Parenting Abused Children: Hope, Healing & Insight

Note- If you have anything to add or any suggestions, please e-mail me at: parentingabusedkids@excite.com to contribute and I will gladly post your ideas. You may remain anoymous if you wish. Thanks! Evanlee.

“Among people who were victims of specific traumatic experiences (rape, child abuse, violent assaults, etc.), the rate of PTSD is 60-80 percent.” – Sidran Institute,

http://www.sidran.org/ptsdbrochure.html

“Each year in the United States approximately five million children experience some form of traumatic experience…Traumatic experiences can have a devastating impact on the child, altering their physical, emotional, cognitive and social development. In turn, the impact on the child has profound implications for their family, community and, ultimately, us all.”

– Bruce D. Perry, M.D., Ph.D., Child Trauma Institute, http://www.childtrauma.org/ctamaterials/Principles2.asp

*Keep posted the local numbers to the children’s mental health crisis lines or parenting support lines where they can be easily found.  If a therapist or doctor is working with your child, keep that number on hand at all times. Make sure the name and contact number of that doctor is available to all those caring for your child.

*Develop a “safety plan” with your child, involve professionals (may include a therapist, community agency, or a domestic violence agency) assisting your child. A common safety plan includes helping your child learn it’s okay to say “yes/no”, letting tyour child know who “safe people” are, developing a code word to identify safe people and what to do if the child feels threatened or unsafe. A safety plan may also include reading books about how to be safe or roleplaying.

*Create a safe room or area in the home for your child. The purpose of the safe area is a place for your child to go to feel safe and to feel that their wishes are being respected. Let your child give a name to the safe area (for example, my child refers to her safe areas as “the nest”) and decorate it–may include: pillows, blankets, favorite toys/stuffed animals, pictures or sentimental treasures. Once the safe area is established, do not intrude in the safe area unless you feel your child’s safety is at risk. You can use the safe area as a tool to teach your child how to develop healthy boundaries because your child will identify the space as their own.  It is important to affirm to your child, constantly, that they can come to you for help (that you care/love them) and to watch that they do not use the safe area as a means to isolate. If your child is isolating, try to gently coax them out to see what is wrong, or seek the advise of a professional.

*If your child has fears about a certain room in the house, try to make that room as comfortable and inviting as possible. Have your child assist you in decorating the room, and constantly reassure the child the room is safe. Some ideas: removable stick ons, Christmas lights, colorful streamers, cartoon night lights, kids toiletries for the bathroom, balloons, colorful pictures, etc.

*Create “safe hands” to let your child know your home is safe, and remind your child that no one will be hurt in your home. Display the hands by hanging them up with string or using Magic Tape (non-stick) or framing them. Create the hands with paper or cardboard, using your hands and your child’s hands as an outline. Decorate them together then hang. It may also be fun to create “safe hands” using paw prints of your pets.

*Use sensory stimulation as a tool to help your child move past the trauma. Music, walks outside (may want to create a scavenger hunt), bubble bath, playdough, doing dishes, exercise (perhaps Early Childhood Classes) may be helpful for a child to resume some normal activities. If a child seems “stuck” in a traumatic memory or is triggered, sensory stimulation may also help move past that event. You may also want to hold the child close (if they allow you) and read to them or sing to them. If a child is not immediately responsive or withdrawn, they may respond after first seeing you read or sing–especially if you are consistent. The key is being *consistent* so the child knows what to expect.

*Allow your child to give a name to their feelings, so they can personify it. When the child can name the feeling (ie Boo Peep or Sonic) they will be better able to talk about what they are feeling, and feel more control over them. Remain objective, and reassuring. When your child is talking, praise them when they share with you. Let them know they are brave for talking. Show that you are listening by making eye contact (only if this is not frightening), nodding your head, sitting close (only if this is not frightening) and removing all distractions.

*If your child has nightmares or problems sleeping, suggest they put the nightmares in a box for the night (this works really well if your child has named the feeling). Let your child pick out a box or container. Your child may want to put something inside of it–that is okay. My child put in the box cookies, blankets and small toys. Do the usual bedtime routine with the box–say good-night, say prayers, tuck in the nightmare or bad feeling then close the lid. This puts finality on the nightmare or bad feeling. Let your child know the bad feeling is going to sleep (my child needed to hear the bad feeling is safe), and that you can talk again in the morning (or whatever time is appropriate). Let your child know they are safe, it also may help to talk about or show them the safe areas in the house.

*Give your child positive affirmations daily. A good good for children ages 3-8 is “I Love You Because You’re You” by Liza Baker.  For teenagers, I would suggest Out of Eden, a Christian R&B group with a positive message to their music.

*As a parent or caregiver take time to get help or support for yourself. Utilize community resources for your child, a crisis nursery, support groups, spiritual/faith groups, family/friend support, and recognizing when you need a break (even if it is only for a few minutes). Take available free time to support and nurture yourself. Seek additional help or support if needed.

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Sources That Offer Advice on How to Help a Child Who has Suffered Trauma:

The Sidran Foundation: Helping a Child Manage Fears After a Traumatic Event

http://www.sidran.org/sept11fears.html

Helping Traumatized Children :::: Welcome to ChildTrauma Academy ::::::::::: http://www.childtrauma.org/ctamaterials/Principles2.asp

Parenting and Child Health - Health Topics - Post-traumatic stress disorder

http://www.cyh.com/HealthTopics/HealthTopicDetails.aspx?p=114&np=141&id=1608

Preparing the School for Your Child with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder

 http://specialchildren.about.com/od/mentalhealthissues/a/PTSDschool.htm

PTRC Traumatized Children Need

http://www.tlcinstitute.org/PTRCneed.html

 Education Wife Assault (Ontario, Canada) is a comprehensive website with information and resources to educate about abuse including ways to respond to abuse and resources on how to seek help. It also includes advice and help for victims who are disabled or deaf. The Assessment Guide is very easy to read, and easy to understand guide for anyone who suspects a friend or family member is being abused. This article will focus only on the “Emotional Abuse Assessment Guide” found here:

Assessment Guide

http://www.womanabuseprevention.com/html/assessment_guide.html

Emotional Abuse consists of behaviors that are threatening, intimidating, controlling and/or harmful and designed to take control of another person. Emotional abuse creates constant torment that may result in psychological as well as physical injury due to the stress, fear and anxiety inflicted on the victim; often perpetrators of emotional abuse escalate to other forms of abuse, including physical abuse. Education Wife Assault reports that: Emotional abuse is the greatest predictor of physical violence. Therefore, any woman who has been emotionally abused is also at risk of murder or suicide.

Victims of emotional abuse often change their thoughts, behaviors, feelings–even depriving themselves of their own needs–to avoid further abuse. Children who are emotionally abused are known to suffer from failure to thrive, and to develop behavioral problems including attachment disorders.

The Assessment Guide describes tactics used in emotional abuse, it is helpful to consider whether the acts are ongoing and repeated events or isolated events. However, if the acts are isolated, you may want to take that as a warning that something is wrong or needs to be changed. The Assessment Guide describes tactics of emotional abuse that include verbal abuse, isolation, threats, intimidation, sexual abuse, financial abuse and neglect.

The second part of the Assessment Guide discusses the impact of emotional abuse, and how to identify a woman who has been emotionally abused,” One constant for women who are abused is fear. In addition to the indicators listed below, there are two key questions used to assess if a woman is being emotionally abused: Does the woman indicate that she is fearful of negative reprisals from her partner if she does not do what he wants? Does the woman alter her behaviour, preferences or choices as a result of this fear?”

The last part of the Assessment Guide offers helpful suggestions on how to respond to emotional abuse, as well as discussing what is not helpful (many of the tactics that were not helpful, themselves, were forms of emotional abuse). The most important piece of advice offered is to take the victim seriously.

Title: Just Because I Am: A Child’s Book of Affirmations

Author:  Lauren Murphy Payne, M.S.W., Illustrations by Claudia Rohling

Ages: 2-8

Free Spirit Publishing Inc, Minneapolis: MN, 1994.

Website: http://freespirit.com/

l am myself. I am special and unique. — Just Because I Am, Lauren Murphy Payne, M.S. W.

Review: Just Because I Am discusses feelings, safety and taking care of your body in the voice of a child who is learning what it is to be “Me”.   Each page offers an exploration conveyed through colorful pictures and positive messages.   I also found the book to be a helpful tool in teaching a child assertiveness, and healthy boundaries.  Just Because I Am teaches children that it’s okay to say “yes” and “no”, and they have the power to decide what is best.   The themes of Just Because I Am are developing healthy self-esteem and affirming that children deserve respect.

I highly recommend this book; I found the tone and message easy for a child to understand and offers positive support.

Title: Signs and Symptoms of Sexual Abuse

From the Book: ” Healing The Shame That Binds You”, by John Bradshaw

Site: http://www.soulselfhelp.on.ca/sexab.html

“Sexual abuse is the most shaming of all abuse. It takes less sexual abuse than any other form of abuse to induce shame. Sexual abuse is widespread. It is estimated that there are currently some 60 million victims of sexual violence.” – John Bradshaw

Signs and Symptoms of Sexual Abuse describes the various kinds of sexual abuse: physical, overt, covert (body violation and verbal abuse) and emotional (getting the needs met at the child’s expense).

Also on this page: Common Types of Sexual Abuse

Site: http://www.soulselfhelp.on.ca/types.html

 Note: Sudden changes in a child followed by signs of distress should be taken seriously, and professional advise should be sought. Signs of distress or trauma can be caused by various stressful events, including sexual abuse.  Not all abuse victims report the same symptoms.  If a child presents with a number of these symptoms, sexual abuse should be considered.  I would advise seeking help from a professional or from a crisis agency.  Most children are not able to communicate what has happened to them so it is critical that parents and caregivers be aware of these indicators, to advocate for the child.  Another indicator of sexual abuse is a “red flag” or feeling that something is wrong noticed by an outsider. In that case, take action or seek help from a professional; the life of a child is at stake, your actions are important in getting needed help.

Psychological

*Sudden change in behavior

*Loss of memory

*Feeling guilty or responsible for the abuse

*Flashbacks or intrusive memories

*Aggressive behavior -May act out sexually towards others (renacting abuse or feelings resulting from sexual abuse), May break objects, May hurt others or self, May hurt animals

*Hurting self

*Sudden mood swings (In traumatized children the moods often swing from passive/withdrawn to volatile)

*Panic attacks

*Fear of a type of person (usually resembles abuser)

*Regressive behavior (thumb sucking, crawling, bed wetting, babbling/baby talk, etc.)

*Excessive crying or crying fits

*Fear of separation or being left alone

*Hypervigilance

*Low self-esteem

*Dissociation (May seem in a dream-like state, slow to respond, or lack emotion)

*Passive/Overly compliant

*Depression

*Difficulty talking or suddenly stops talking

Social

*Withdrawn

*Isolated

*Lack of trust

*Inability to bond or form relationships with others

*Fears (may lead to isolation or avoidance of being in the public or with others)

*Promiscuous or Inability to be initimate

*Children may seek attention or affection from anyone, including strangers

*Sexualized Play (Excessive or focused masturbation, Putting objects in the genitals, Reenacting sexual abuse in play, Knowing more about sexual acts than a child should know)

*Panic attacks

*Fear of a certain place (often where the abuse occured or a place that triggers memories of the abuse)

*Problems in School or Sudden Changes in School (Truancy, Poor Grades, Rebellion, etc)

Physical

*Chronic pain with no known cause

*Headaches

*Stomaches

*Lack of energy/Tired

*Stress

*Hair loss

*Eating Disorders

*Loss of Appetite

*Nightmares or Night Terrors (Severe sleep disturbances characterized by screaming, getting out of bed, shaking, sitting up, or jerking without actually waking)

*Addictions

*Wearing layers of clothing or baggy clothing (trying to hide behind clothing)

Some children are physically injured from acts of sexual abuse and may have STDs, bladder infections, bruises, cuts and infections.

If you notice any of these indicators in a child, even a young child, be aware that the child may start to hurt themselves (even unintentionally). Pay attention to bruises, scratches, burns, cuts, different eating behaviors, and when the child choose to be alone for a lengthy amount of time.  If you are suspicious that the child is hurting themself or at risk, seek help. Remain supportive of the child, reaffirm that you care and you want to help.

Resources:

Child Trauma Academy: Sexual Abuse of Children

http://www.childtrauma.org/CTAMATERIALS/sexual_abuse.asp

Parenting a Sexually Abused Child by Lawrence R. Ricci, M.D.

http://www.med.umich.edu/1libr/pa/pa_sexabpar_hhg.htm

ProtectKid

Prevent Child Abuse: Sexual Abuse

http://www.preventchildabuse.com/sexual.htm

ProtectKids.com: Child Sexual Abuse (includes information about online safety)

http://www.protectkids.com/abuse

Stop It Now: Warning Signs About Sexual Abuse

http://www.stopitnow.com/warnings.html#behavioral

Pediatric Advisor 2006.2: Parenting a Sexually Abused Child

http://www.med.umich.edu/1libr/pa/pa_sexabpar_hhg.htm

Summary: Parenting a child who has been sexually abused can present difficult challenges. Children who have been sexually abused often develop symptoms that can be frustrating for the family.

It is important for parents not to see their child’s symptomatic behavior as being purposefully bad or naughty. These symptoms are often reactions to the trauma of being sexually abused. Try to separate your feelings for your child from your reactions to the child’s behavior. You can let your child know that some of the things he does are not OK but that you still love him….

Written by Lawrence R. Ricci, M.D.

Parenting a Sexually Abused Child is an article that discusses the symptoms of sexual abuse and includes tips for parents on how to deal with the behaviors a child may display after being traumatized by sexual abuse. Also includes insights on why children act out in certain ways.

Address:  http://incestabuse.about.com/cs/childabuse/ht/listentochild.htm

Summary: How to respond when a child tells you about abuse or inappropriate behavior. Tips on how to listen to a child who is reporting abuse; and what to do with the information given from the child.

My opinion: Helpful. Informative.

However, I would not advise prodding a child for information or further details regarding abuse, or related issues. You do not want to further traumatize the child. Asking questions may also undermine the child’s story if you are later accused of “coaching” or “influencing” the child. Listen, remain neutral and offer your support. Let a therapist assist the child with coping with the abuse, and processing what happened. A therapist will be trained to help the child develop coping skills with the trauma and emotions related to the abuse, and will also be able to help with other issues that arise.

How to Listen also recommends the adult to reassure the child they are safe, the child  did the right thing in telling and  they are not at fault for the abuse. Once the child has reported abuse to you, be sure to get help (crisis center, police, therapist, etc). 

I also think its important to note that children will not say “abuse”, and the age and maturity of the child will shape what they tell you. Pay attention to signs of distress in the child, changes in behavior as well as the words they use. If you are unsure of what to do, seek advise of a professional.

You can call ChildHelp USA at: 1-800-4ACHILD

Or seek local resources for help

Tips:

1. Make it clear that the child can tell you anything. Make sure they know they’re safe in telling you this.
2. The child may worry that you will find them repulsive after they admit to sexual abuse. Make it clear that your love and respect and concern have only increased.
3. Do not handle this by yourself. Find an expert in the area. Find a child abuse crisis center or hotline, and get expert advice.
4. Never minimize the child’s experiences. You have been chosen to receive an incredible leap of faith. Be honored. Show that you are worthy of receiving it.
5. Act. Find experts and act. Cancel your meetings, cancel your vacation, postpone your wedding. Nothing is more important than this. Act!

What You Need:

• a cool head
• a caring heart
• honesty
• expert advice
• courage

Welcome to a site of support and healing for parents and caregivers of children who have been abused. This site was developed during one of the long nights, staying up late after after finally getting my child (am abuse survivor) to sleep.    I searched the web, looking for information or support for parents like me. Wondering if I was the only parent up past 1 am drinking cappucino to calm my nerves, even this late, because what I had heard from my child was so disturbing that I knew I would never sleep the same way again. I found few sources that offered support or advise for parents of abused children. So I decided to start my own site–to give support, so we parents can better help our children while also being the strength, the advocate they need.

This site is also to offer hope and encouragement for parents and caregives living through the worst experience imaginable–the abuse of your child. As parents, we are in a critical position to foster healing in our children, and in our families, to put an end to the cycle of abuse. I hope to encourage all of you on your journey to empowerment. I applaud your efforts to rebuild better lives for you and your families.

Please feel free to e-mail me with any comments or suggestions:

ParentingAbusedKids@excite.com

Blessings,   Evanlee

Angel and Child clipart courtesey of  “The Spiritual Woman Ltd”.

www.religions-and-spiritualities-guide.com