A Letter to Courageous Kids * I Support You <3

“For those of us who can speak out, we know that if we put our voices together, we can make a difference and change the family court system that is wrecking so many kids’ lives. The Courageous Kids Network is an organization dedicated to stopping the continuing assault on children’s human right to live free from abuse.” — A Message From the Courageous Kids Network

 

I am writing to give my support and prayers to all the Courageous Kids as well as the mothers fighting alongside them. If you are a mother who has lost her child to an abuser and endured family court warfare, my heart goes out to you. If you are a child who has been victimized by family court, and forced into an unsafe situation or feel utterly unprotected by the system, my heart goes out to you. I keep you in my thoughts and prayers. You are not alone.

For the lawyers, therapists, teachers, family members, clergy, friends and advocates–whoever you may be or whatever your role, I encourage you to take a moment to listen. The sounds of abuse may be as loud as broken glass, pounding fists or threatening phone calls–or as silent as unheard tears or homeless families wandering the streets or sanitized court records. I spent years of abuse in silence, trying to appease the rage of my abuser. I am now silenced by the family court; told not to talk about abuse, told I must forget because it all “happened in the past” and told I must look away as my children suffer. To raise my voice means I am causing a problem. Then begins a new battle, to overcome the enormous amount of “proof” required to “substantiate” my allegations and that of my children, to be verbally and emotionally attacked by vicious allegations and invented psychological labels, and finally to be threatened by the court staff that if I speak  out they will deny me contact with my children. We can do better. We must do better. The change begins when the best interest of our children is really what is safe, healthy and nurturing for the child. I encourage you to take a stand to advocate for our children, and for the families fighting to secure safety and stability in the midst of family court chaos. You may just save a life. The change begins when we begin to listen to our children, listen to the stories of family court atrocities and the various research and writing conducted on custody battles. The change begins when we, as a society, as a people,  will no longer tolerate domestic abuse nor the brutality perpetrated on children. The change begins with you.

I am a mother currently involved in family court warfare involving my 
children.  My child is too young to speak as clearly as the kids posting on Courageous Kids but his pictures and words are loud enough. My child draws pictures in crayon of the abuse he has suffered. My child draws pictures of the words “daddy” taught him–stupid, fuckin ass, bitch.  My child is drawing pictures of how he feels after being forced by family court to live with “daddy”–the pictures say the words “sad, “mad” and “bad”. The child in the picture has a frown that fills his entire face. In another picture, the child is standing in the middle of a rain storm and is being struck by lightning. My child has told me “I wanna die” and “I hate myself so much”. The guardian ad litem working with my family ignores my child’s distress and told me that I cannot “substantiate my allegations” and I have nothing to worry about because my abuser “has a house, a job and a car”. I was also told that since my abuser is not physically hurting me (I fled my home and now live in hiding) that there is no “abuse” happening. Meaning, I have to risk my own life in order to “prove” abuse. I would gladly put my life before my child’s; but if I did so my children would be left without a mother, and put into the hands of an abuser or perhaps, left to fend for themselves at the hands of child welfare services. I tell my story in hope that one day my children will know how much Mommy loves them, and that I did keep up the fight to protect them and give them a good home. I tell my story in hope that something can be done to protect another family-to give a voice to all those who have been silenced. And to encourage those brave fighters to keep on fighting for change, to keep on advocating, to keep on giving voice, to keep on living.

It is heart breaking as a parent to know that you cannot protect your 
children and you have to send them back to an abuser–or else.  It is sad that children are being forced into abusive situations and instead of healing, they now have to fight for their lives–and the child has to be the one to fight for change because so many have failed to protect them. I applaud Courageous Kids, and sympathize with your struggle. I pray for you and your families. I applaud your determination and courage in speaking out, and working for change. I support you. I will do whatever I can to help. I hope and pray that there will be many more who will stand alongside you and lend their support and help. And I believe there are just as many who support you in silence, in tears–afraid or unable to speak.

I also am writing to comment on Parental Alienation Syndrome article posted on Courageous Kids. The PAS article on the site states  that:
“Another thing that is important to know is that PAS is only used  against
protective parents who are middle or upper class and who have money to  spend
and assets to sell, to fight in court. It is never used on poor indigent  women,
like those on welfare who have no money to pay to lawyers, mediators, 
evaluators, etc“
I am a mother who has been labelled with PAS–not by any licensed medical 
professional–but by a biased judge and my abuser and his sleazy lawyer.  Poor women do get labelled with PAS and Malicious  Mom Syndrome. I believe PAS is used against women as a form of  intimidation, a weapon used to force the mother to give up the fight or risk  losing everything. Many women are afraid to leave their abusers because they feel they will become poor or unable to care for their children. One tactic of abusers is to gain control over their families by controlling the finances–making their partner desperately reliant on the abuser. The financial forms of abuse include: forcing someone to do something against their will in order to get money/food/something needed for survival, making a partner beg for money, depriving a partner of necessary items, and threatening to cause poverty or financial ruin (you’ll be on the streets, you won’t get a penny from me, etc) if the partner should leave. An abuser may label a mother with Parental Alienation or Malicious Mom Syndrome in order to create a lengthy, expensive legal battle that forces the mother to give up because she either cannot afford legal representation and court costs or she loses her assets trying to defend herself. When a mother loses her assets (home, car, credit) or even her job, Parental Alienation or Malicious Mom Syndrome is proven–she is now “unfit”! Being “poor” is can be used to justify PAS–as some kind of  proof that the mother is unfit, crazy or just not deserving custody. I think it is  important to note that false accusations of Parental Alienation and Malicious Mom syndrome affect women of all socio-economic levels and cultural backgrounds.

I cannot end this letter, not in good conscience. There is no “the end” or “happily ever after” when the cycles of domestic violence continue in the family court system. I express sympathy to the plight of the families enduring family court warfare. Abusers must be held accountable–they are the most likely to become repeat offenders, risking the lives of innocent children. Family court officials judges, guardian ad litems, counselors. attorneys and all involved in making decisions that affect the life and well being of a child must also be held accountable. Especially when they place a child at risk. I am not asking for change–I am demanding it.  As the old spiritual goes, “A change gon’ come, yes it will…”

Evanlee, 2008

Quotes-

“We lost our home, pets, toys, friends,… our childhood. We lived in fear, depression, hopelessness and helplessness for years. Some of us ran away from our abusers. Some could not handle the trauma and committed suicide. We who survived, got older and stronger. Now we are telling the world how much we were hurt, first by our abusers and then by the court that refused to protect us.” Courageous Kids Network
http://courageouskids.net

 

“According to Wilder Research Center:46 percent of homeless women report staying in an abusive relationship because they had nowhere else to live, 69 percent of homeless women have children under age 18; and 53 percent have at least one child with them…” MN Coaltion for the Homeless

 http://www.mnhomelesscoalition.org/resources/toolkits/battered-women/facts/

 

“According to the one-day survey snapshot, taken on April 14, 2004, of the 6,109 women and children residing in shelters, about 5,000 had escaped an abusive situation representing about three-quarters of all women residing in shelters…The vast majority of the women staying in shelters to escape abuse were fleeing psychological or emotional abuse. Almost 7 out of 10 reported physical abuse, 50% threats, 46% financial abuse, 31% harassment and 27% sexual abuse…” The Daily, Canada (6/15/2005): http://www.statcan.ca/Daily/English/050615/d050615a.htm

 

“You may be told that you have to “accept” the court’s decision when your child is placed with the identified abuser. No moral citizen should be expected to accept what is wholly unacceptable: the willful sacrifice of a child to a life of rape and/or battery.” Kim Anderson, California Protective Parents

http://protectiveparents.com/president.html

 

 

Resources-

 

The Courageous Kids Network Includes- Support, Stories of Children, Suggestions for Children Involved in Family Court Disputes and Forced to Live with an Abuser, and Links

Courageous Kids Network: We, the Courageous Kids Network, are a growing group of young people whose childhood was shattered by biased and inhumane court rulings, which forced us to live with our abusive parent, while restricting or sometimes completely eliminating contact with our loving and protective parent. We know how horrible it is to be forced into the arms of an abuser. We have been there. We are now free.

http://courageouskids.net

 

California Protective Parents Association (Case Studies, Articles, Events, Resources):

http://protectiveparents.com/

 

Child Abuse and Neglect: Signs,Syptoms and Types

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/child_abuse_physical_emotional_sexual_neglect.htm

 

Child Help (1-800-4-A-Child):

Staffers at the hotline can help:

Victims: children and teens who have been abused

Survivors of child abuse

Abusers: people who have abused a child or who are afraid that they may abuse a child

Witnesses to child abuse

Childhelp cannot make a report of child abuse for you, but it can set up a three-way call with your local enforcement agency. You can also call your local enforcement agency directly to report child abuse.

http://www.childhelp.org/

 

Financial Abuse in Marriage:

http://www.weddingvendors.com/planning/articles/financial-abuse-marriage/

 

Wellesley Centers for Women: Battered Mothers Fight to Survive the Family Court System

http://www.wcwonline.org/o-rr25-1b.html

 

What is Financial or Economic Abuse?

http://www.mamashealth.com/abuse/finabuse.asp

 

”Living in the Past”: Family Court Dismisses Concerns of Abuse

When I hear about the death of a child due to abuse, my heart trembles with fear that the next child in the news may be my own. Due to a ruling by family court, I am forced to make my child go on unsupervised visits, lasting up to eight hours, with the father—who has a long criminal history, a history of violence and a history of drug and alcohol addiction. My child often says, “I’m afraid Dad will hit me.” When my child plays “house” using dolls, the male is yelling at and hitting the female. My child’s play gets so intense that there have been times I have been hit with a doll that is hurled across the room or called “bitch ass” and “stupid”. The guardian ad litem has negated my concerns with the statement of “you’re living in the past”—meaning just because someone has a history of violence doesn’t mean there is any chance past behavior will be repeated.

 

 

“Living in the past” means the guardian ad litem refuses to consider that my ex is the third generation of his family, to be involved in addiction, criminal acts and domestic violence. When I attempted to inform family court of the abuse I have endured including being slammed to the floor, threatened, and hit with objects, I was told that I need counseling because I am “upset” and my fear may cause my child to have a bad relationship with the father. The abuser has not been recommended to any counseling and effectively has been able to avoid any real responsibility for his actions. In the end, the children will suffer.

 

The system fails to protect families and children from violence and instead gives the perpetrator an excuse, and means, to further harm and intimidate the already vulnerable. The reason for this—“you’re living in the past”. Protecting children from dangerous family situations must go beyond throwing the perpetrator in jail but also must include a justice and family court system that is trained and responsive to effectively handle situations of family violence, and be willing to put personal agendas aside in order to protect the children.

 

Evanlee, 2008.

 

Going Beneath the Surface with Souljahz: a Music Review

 One of the strongest impressions I have of Souljahz happened when I was driving down the road with my children in the car, singing along to a called Reflection. The roads were newly plowed yet still slick with ice. As I crossed an intersection, a truck sped down the road, hurling towards my car, towards the very back door where my child sat in a car seat. The driver slammed on the brakes but continued to slide. I watched in slow horror as the car continued to careen towards me, as if in a trance I sang along  “..Want you to see your refelction in my face..”  Suddenly, as if held back by an invisible hand, the car skidded sideways, though not stopping, and barely missed hitting the side of my car. I said a prayer of thanks, even more I wondered the power of God’s spken word brought into my life through song.

Souljahz is one of my favorite CDs, the best of the music of three siblings Rachael, Joshua and Je’Kob Washington who came together, for a time, to produce a moving testimony of song, dance, and poetry. I found my copy of The Fault is History by Souljahz in a discount CD store. At the time, all I knew of Souljahz is a song called The Color Hate, which is a song about stopping racial hatred and having love for each other. I came across The Color Hate, by chance, during a web search. I was always interested in hearing the actual sound of Souljahz, and was thrilled to find the CD in a discount music store. I was instantly entraced by the unique blend of R&B, rap, Latino music and beat poetry infused in Christian messages. The name of their group, Souljahz, means “soldier for God”.

I I highly recommend the Fault is History. Souljahz offers a compelling message combined with energetic dance beats. I also thought Souljahz offers a positive alternative by combining urban music with Christian testimonials. Many of the songs address issues faced today such as pressures to have sex, homelessness and child abuse and confront these tough issues with lyrics of hope, inner strength and answered prayers. Souljahz is just as surprising in its unique sound that will sure to have you dancing and singing along.

The song Beneath the Surface is about child abuse, and I thought I would include some of the lyrics here since my page deals with child abuse. In an interview with Christianity Today, Je’Kob says the song is inspired by a friend who survived child abuse, “So to any kids going through that, this song serves as a message to them that there is a Father out there who loves them and will show them a real Father’s love.” For anyone having survived the horrors of child abuse, or have raised a child who was traumatized by abuse, my prayers are with you. Know that despite anything you have faced, you are loved. You did not deserve what happened to you, and it is not your fault. A compelling verse of Beneath the Surface cries out:

“Why do you hit me?
You know I ain’t your punchin’ bag
Since when do thorns try to hurt the roses?
And why are you always mad?
I’m so innocent, and you’re so ignorant
Raise your fist hit or miss
Try to take my happiness
Well that ain’t happenin’ to me no more…” Beneath the Surface offers comfort and inspiration to survivors of abuse but it also encourages families with problems to get help, and for those who witness abuse to speak on behalf of the victim.  

On personal note, I want to add that God will stand by your side, this is affirmed in Scripture, Deuteronomy 7:6, “For thou art an holy people unto the LORD thy God: the LORD thy God hath chosen thee to be a special people unto himself, above all people that are upon the face of the earth.” What I like most about Souljahz is the affirmation of Scripture, whose promises of love and redemption are, the true essence of music as a form of celebration and praise.

Joshua later left Souljahz in 2006. The group renamed their band The Washington Project and released a new album Commanders of The Resistance in November 2007.

“You need to stop beating us and start beating
your problems
So today is when we stop the hurt
Get up its 10 o’ clock yo we’re goin’ to church..”

from Beneath the Surface by Souljahz

Online:The Washington Projects

http://www.washingtonprojects.com/twpentrance.html

Christianity Today, Souljahz

http://www.christianitytoday.com/music/artists/souljahz.html

The Fault is History review by Kevin Chamberlin with audio samples at:

http://www.jesusfreakhideout.com/cdreviews/TheFaultIsHistory.asp

 

Connection Between Abuse & Mental Illness

 “All i, seem to, think about is violence
It doesn’t matter if I’m dead sober or I’m bent
It’s strange, I’m not insane or at least I don’t think so
Or am i? you think so doc, truthfully I don’t know
I need a doctor to give me some therapy
I need a doctor to check my, my brain..”
Therapy by Heltah Skeltah

WHAT IS ABUSE?

Abuse: Patterns of violence, intimidation and threats used to gain control and/or compliance over another person. Aspects of abuse include: physical, sexual, emotional/mental, psychological and financial. Abuse is committed by one person who has power over the other, and exerts that power in harmful ways. Abuse can happen to people of all backgrounds and genders–socio economic, religious and cultural.

For More Information Visit: Domestic Violence (Myths, Safety Plan, Questions About Leaving, Resources, etc)http://www.domesticviolence.org

 Halton Women’s Place (What Is Abuse?): http://www.haltonwomensplace.com/abuse.htm

What is Abuse in Relationships: http://www.dvirc.org.au/whenlove/infospace.htm

CRAZY MAKING

 One tactic abuse is “crazy making”–when a perpetrator commits deliberate acts or manipulates to make a victim feel crazy, or to believe they are crazy. Feelings of disbelief, confusion and shame are all a part of crazy making. Crazy making can involve verbal abuse–threats, taunts, shame, blame, humiliation or name calling. Crazy making can involve physical abuse–coersion, retaliation. deprivation or physical harm. Often crazy making involves psychological tactics such as manipulation, stalking, isolating and acts that degrade or break down the self.

I found this song to be an of crazy making:

“You said: ‘You’re crazy, why do you keep doing this? Everything is fine.’ Then I think, I’m crazy I do this all the time Until I start to think that nothing’s even wrong [Chorus] Maybe I am Hiding in my own confusion Maybe we’re just A picture in my head Maybe what if it could be The way I wish it really was Maybe I don’t wanna see it The way it really is..”

The Way it Really Is by Lisa Loeb

For More Information Visit: Wearing Her Down, Understanding & Responding to Emotional Abuse: http://www.womanabuseprevention.com/html/wearing_her_down.html

Crazy Making, Some Disturbing Little Stories: http://www.dreamchild.net/caccrazemake.html

The Connection Between Abuse and Mental Health

Abuse can and will lead to varying degrees of mental and emotional decline. In many instances, a victim will not seek help or struggle to get help because they feel ashamed, that they are “crazy” or something is wrong with them or are afraid of the abuser. It may take a crisis before a victim seeks help–by then the problem is greatly exacerbated. In other instances, a victim may not be believed because they have a previous mental health condition or the affects of abuse present as a mental health problem. The affects of abuse on a victim can create a variety of problems from low self esteem, depression, anxiety, post traumatic stress, destructive behavior (eating disorder, promiscuity, addiction, self injury), sleep disorder and phobias. Advocates working with abuse victims will need to work alongside professionals and medical providers to ensure the victim receives the help they need. Advocates will also play a crucial role in getting the victim help–and recognizing that abuse is taking place. An advocate may be a person working at a shelter or it may be a teacher, family member, friend or religious official. It may even be you.

 Facts on the connection between abuse and mental health

“Battered women are 4-5 times more likely than non-battered women to require psychiatric treatment. “ Violence Against Women Source: Tubman Family Alliance, http://www.tubmanfamilyalliance.org/need_help/being_abused/violence_facts.html

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“While that may seem like common sense, there is now a growing body of evidence indicating that experiencing abuse plays a significant role in the development and exacerbation of mental disorders and substance abuse problems, increases the risk for victimization, and influences the course of recovery from a range of psychiatric illnesses. Across studies of battered women, rates of:

(1) PTSD range from 54% to 84%

(2) Depression range from 63% to 77%

(3) Anxiety range from 38% to 75%

…Linking domestic violence advocacy with mental health and substance abuse service delivery is critical for the prevention of future violence and its sequelae.” –Domestic Violence & Mental Health Policy Initiative

http://www.dvmhpi.org

_________________

“About a quarter of U.S. women suffer domestic violence, U.S. health officials reported on Thursday, with ongoing health problems that one activist likened to the effects of living in a war zone…The CDC said women who suffer domestic violence are three times as likely to engage in risky sex and 70 percent more likely to drink heavily than other women. They are also twice as likely to report that their activities are limited by physical, mental or emotional problems and 50 percent more likely to use a cane, wheelchair or other disability equipment, the CDC survey found.These women also were 80 percent more likely to have a stroke, 70 percent more likely to have heart disease or arthritis and 60 percent more likely to have asthma.” Quater of US women suffer domestic violence: CDC by Will Dunsham (3/8/0

http://www.stopfamilyviolence.org/ocean/host.php?folder=12&page=497

______________________

“All women who are experiencing or have experienced domestic violence will need emotional support of some kind, but their needs will vary. All women need to be listened to with respect and without being judged when they choose to talk about their experiences.” In conclusion, if you are a victim of abuse get help. You deserve to be safe. You deserve to be treated with love and respect. Your life depends on it. It will take time to be safe again, to heal and rebuild you life–but have hope because the first step begins in believing that you are worthy of love, respect and a better life. And with those steps comes a sense of power and strength that will only grow. Even in your struggles, your value as a person, and in the soul God placed in your body, is not diminished. You deserve love, respect and safety. Believe that.

For Additional Information:

The Women’s Aid Site include a “Survivor’s Handbook”. Here you will find common tactics used by abusers who use mental health (threats, name calling, shaming, creating distress/anxiety/fear etc) as a weapon against victims. Also includes tips on how to communicate with service providers, who may not believe your disclosure of abuse because you are seeking help for mental or emotional issues. Also includes tips how to survive after abuse. http://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-violence-survivors-handbook.asp?section=000100010008000100360002

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Domestic Abuse Victims Bring Complex Issues to Treatement by Eve Bender. Psychiatric News (June 4, 2004, Volume 39, Number 11): Information on how affects of abuse may affect a victim’s mental health, coping skills and relationships with others. Information on how psychiatrists and other medical professionals can assist victims in healing and seeking help. Discusses common myths and barriers that prevent victims from being taken seriously or being recognized when reporting abuse while also dealing with mental health issues. http://pn.psychiatryonline.org/cgi/content/full/39/11/14?maxtoshow=&HITS=20&hits=20&RESULTFORMAT=&stored_search=&FIRSTINDEX=0&tocsectionid=Professional*&displaysectionid=Professional+News&journalcode=psychnews

 __________________

You Are Not Crazy-Listen to What Verbal Abuse Sounds Like

“…he masterfully charms everyone he meets, just like he did to her when they first met…”

Includes Information about Abuse, Charateristics/Behavior of an Abuser, Eileen’s Journal and More http://www.youarenotcrazy.com/

_______________________

Violence Against Women With Disabilities (Facts, Recommendations for Service Providers to Help Victims, Education and More) http://www.bcm.edu/crowd/?pmid=1344#facts

_______________________

Coping As a Non Borderline/Coping with BPD Loved Ones List of Resources and Information on Abuse, Borderline Personality Disorder, Relationships, Dealing with Stress, Depression, Anger and Shame and More..

http://www.bpdresources.com/coping.html

 

Capn’ Hook: A Pirate Alienation Story

 

A Pirate Alienation Story” is a classic tale dedicated to Dr. Richard Gardner updated with spectacular courtroom antics and unbelievable legal loopholes that will leave single mothers stunned and abusers cheering and sneering. “Cap’n Hook” is a modern remake of Steve Spielberg’s 1991 film, “Hook” with an all star cast: Alec Baldwin as Cap’n Hook, Paris Hilton as Tinkerbell and John Edwards as middle-aged lawyer Peter Banning aka Peter Pan. This must-see film is rated “G”, in the best interest of the children, of course. 

   In this new adventure, Peter Pan flees Neverland after being forced to “walk the plank” and other abuse committed by Capn’ Hook. Peter strips off his tights and elfish hat with red feather to join the modern world, where he struggles to forget his past. He grows up to become a middle-aged lawyer named Peter Banning whose hair is sprayed on from a can and whose ability to spit legal jargon can rival any hard core rap artist. Peter marries Moira Darling, and invites everyone to the wedding but Cap’n Hook—who holds a grudge. Peter and Moira have two children together, and life seems normal until Cap’n Hook crashes through the window, in his pirate ship, demanding custody of the children through a legal loophole called “Pirates Rights”. An outrageous custody battle, clashing with dueling swords, begins. Cap’n Hook hires Dr. Richard Gardner (played by Robert Blake) as an expert witness who condemns both Moira and Peter with various mental conditions, using unproven, unscientific theories to bolster his claims. Dr. Gardner proclaims Moira is a “feisty wench” and Peter is suffering from “Peter Pan Syndrome”. Worst of all, they have alienated the children from Cap’n Hook!

A judge with an eye patch and peg leg, an hunch back guardian ad litem who has joined the “Pirates Rights Movement” and various other corrupt family court officials then grant Cap’n Hook full custody of both children. Peter and Moira are ordered to pay child support and are slapped with a gag order to remain silent or face being sent to the dungeon. An hour of supervised visitation every blue moon is granted to both parents, if they can make their way through an overgrown labyrinth then cross a moat to a heavily guarded tower in the middle. Cap’n Hook whisks the children away on his pirate ship, captured in a net.           

In the eyes of the court, Cap’n Hook is a sympathetic pirate who has employed hundreds of thieves, smugglers and petty criminals aboard his ship. His quarters are lavishly decorated with troves of treasure and the skull and cross bones on his flag show he is firm disciplinarian, not an abuser. Cap’n Hook provides attention and nurturing to the children by exposing them to gambling, drinking and providing schooling aboard the ship that includes swordplay and Pirate-bonics such as “Arrrgh!” and “Aye, Matey!” Despite his best efforts, both children express that they miss their parents and often cry, as a result of the rigorous brainwashing Peter and Moira have inflicted. Dr. Gardener counsels Cap’n Hook. Dr. Gardener assures that full custody is the only cure for “pirate alienation syndrome” and that Moira is only hateful Cap’n Hook because she has a secret lust for the pirate. As for Peter, the Lost Boys hardly provided a legal defense with their slingshots and grade-school taunts. While aboard the ship, Cap’n Hook tries to convince both children that their parents hate them, and works hard to manipulate them into becoming pirates. He almost succeeds if not for Tinkerbell, who has stolen onto the ship in an effort to try to with the children back to Peter and Moira. High fashion Tinkerbell flits amid the pirate ship among glittering pixie dust and disco music, bringing a musical score to “Cap’n Hook” as the pirates break out in song and dance, and the children sneak off the ship in a dingy. “Cap’n Hook: A Pirate Alienation Movie” will leave viewers stunned in its explosive finale, followed by exclusive web cam clips of the provocative Tinkerbell.  

Note: This essay is based on the 1991 movie “Hook”. There is a scene in “Hook” where Captain Hook has stolen the children of Peter Pan, and attempts to alienate the children by telling them that their parents don’t love them, and manipulates the children’s feelings to instigate hostility against their parents. I also found it interesting that in “Hook” a Lost Boy child named Rufio is killed by Captain Hook when stabbed in the heart with a sword. The movie largely ignored the death of Rufio, and Peter Pan was even willing to give Captain Hook a second chance—the death of this child went unnoticed and unpunished. Many of the fairytale events in this film echo the unbelievable injustice and drama of the family court system.

Evanlee, 2008 

The Parental Alienation Syndrome: Is It Scientific? by Stephanie J. Dallam, RN, MSN, FNP

 http://www.leadershipcouncil.org/1/res/dallam/3.html

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Stop Family Violence: Parental Alienation Articles Page 

http://www.stopfamilyviolence.org/ocean/host.php?folder=63 

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“..(Because of) the given tendency for incestuous fathers to deny their abuse, the more normal appearing and less disturbed abusers may be more effective at preventing disclosure.”

“While some studies reported some fathers with evidence of psychological disturbance, Williams and Finkelhor found that the majority of incestuous fathers are unlikely to manifest severed [sic] psychiatric impairment. Indeed, they felt they could state with confidence that ‘there are an important group of incestuous fathers, at least a quarter or a third, who seem virtually completely normal, and who would likely pass psychological testing or psychiatric evaluation without problem.’
‘CHILD SEXUAL ABUSE: TREATMENT, PREVENTION AND DETECTION’
by Rod O’Connor, Senior Research Fellow at Monash University
in Australia.
http://answers.google.com/answers/threadview?id=347329
The pdf file can be downloaded and viewed here:
http://chpe.buseco.monash.edu.au/pubs/wp16.pdf

Or you can read it in your browser from Google’s cache:
http://216.239.39.104/search?q=cache:od5iIDN0EywJ:chpe.buseco.monash.edu.au/pubs/wp16.pdf 

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Personality Traits in Abusive Relationships

http://www.recovery-man.com/abusive/abuse_rel_types.htm

“Abusiveness is a family dysfunction that repeats through generations. Just as addictions pass down through generations, abusers often leave their families for a family of choice - then repeat the abusive cycle from the other side….Abusive relationships are marked by attempts by the abuser to isolate their partner from social interaction. This is due to jealousy and to an unconscious awareness that outsiders will see the relationship dynamics and attempt to intervene.”

 

Battered Women, Abused Children, and Child Custody: A National Crisis. 5th Annual Conference.

Event: Battered Women, Abused Children, and Child Custody: A National Crisis. Fifth Annual Conference.

Date: January 11-13, 2008

Location: Clarion Hotel and Conference Center, Albany New York

Website: http://batteredmotherscustodyconference.org/

About: Battered Women, Abused Children & Child Custody: A National Crisis was established in 2003 by two mothers, Therese Hannah, Ph.D. (Chair) of Latham, NY, and Liliane Heller Miller (Vice-Chair) of Charlotte, NC. The goal of BAC is to raise awareness of the complex issues, and problems facing battered women in and out of family court. The BAC documents, through research and scholarly information, the human rights and legal violations that deny battered women due process in the family court system, and often put children at risk. Through a public forum, The Conference offers discussions, presentations and stories of survivors. “It is open to lay persons, and of special interest to advocates, social workers, psychologists, attorneys, judges, legal personnel, and others involved in the issue of battered women’s and abused children’s legal and civil rights violations by family courts, DSS, and other government systems.”

The Conference also offers healing and support for families struggling against the injustices of the family court system.

BAC is, “..a self-sustaining, grassroots phenomenon that is entirely the volunteer work product of it’s creators and presenters.   We have no paid staff, nor are we financially supported by or affiliated with any particular group, organization, gender-based ideology, or political agenda.”

Also on this site: “Children Taken by The Family Courts” Quilt

Link: www.batteredmotherscustodyconference.org/quilt.htm

About the Quilt: Mothers who have lost physical custody of their children through family court or divorce proceedings are invited to create a quilt panel (or square) to commerate their child(ren). You do not have to attend The Conference to contribute to the quilt. Instructions for creating a quilt square and mailing them to the BAC project are included online at the above link.

Litigating Custody with Batterers

Link: http://batteredmotherscustodyconference.org/Litigating_custody_with_batterers_1.htm

http://batteredmotherscustodyconference.org/Litigating_custody_with_batterers_2.htm

Web links related to family court proceedings, survival guide for family court (Link 2), domestic violence, support for survivors, related facts/information and advocacy for abused children.

For Consideration:

End abusers from getting custody: Online Petition (NOT affiliated with conference or BWAC).
http://www.petitiononline.com/endtrend/petition.html

 

Review: A Parent’s Guide to the “System”

Author:  Cheryl Barnes

Website:

http://www.geocities.com/family_rights_wv/cpswatch/parents_guide.html#Assert%20Your%20Parental%20Rights

A Parent’s Guide to the “System” is a free online article discussing a parent’s rights when a child is placed out of home by a government agency or a parent is involved in an investigation by a government agency. It includes basic information on court proceedings, the rights of a parent and how to exercise those rights and advice on how to protect your child from abuse while in state care.

Much of the advise presented  is useful in many areas of involved by government or court officials. For example, under the heading “Demand a Copy of the Search Warrant” this could apply to dealing with Child Protective Services as easily as communicating with a guardian ad litem (emphasis on the language, not the search warrant):”Don’t be intimidated. Keep a proper perspective of the situation; you are willing to cooperate within the law.  The law dictates that a search warrant is required before entering a private home.  Your position should be:

I do want to cooperate.

I do not want to ignore proper procedure.

Why would you want to circumvent clearly established laws and procedures? “

I found the advice in this article to be very helpful

___________________________________________

To be fair I am offering more info about Suzanne Shell. From what I have seen on the web, Suzanne Shell is a highly determined, and controversial, family advocate, author and attorney fighting for parent’s rights and speaking out against injustice in the system. If there is a balanced counter view, I will post a link. However, I am asking for respect in the position you take–personall attacks and obscenties will not be tolerated.
Suzanne, feel free to leave a statement or any info about yourself or American Family Advocacy Center if you like.

More Info on Suzanne Shell:

Profane Justice (Suzanne’s site offers information on Family Rights, Information on Training Seminars, Letter and Advice to Foster Children and much more..)
http://www.profane-justice.org

Wikipedia- Suzanne Shell
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Suzanne_Shell

“Children of the State” by Mark Stout and Gail M. Armstrong, for “Freedom Magazine”. An article about parents whose rights were violated by the corruption of the (family services/human services, CPS) system that traumatizes children by unfairly taking them out of homes, with commentary by Suzanne Shell.
http://www.freedommag.org/english/vol32I1/page02.htm

 

Internet Links: Sex Offender Registry

Free Sex Offender Search by State

http://www.ancestorhunt.com/sex_offenders_search.htm

Dru Sjodin National Sex Offender Public Registry

http://www.nsopr.gov/

This Web site is provided as a public service by the U.S. Department of Justice (”the Department”). Using this Web site, interested members of the public have access to and may search participating state Web site public information regarding the presence or location of offenders, who, in most cases, have been convicted of sexually-violent offenses against adults and children and certain sexual contact and other crimes against victims who are minors. The public can use this Web site to educate themselves about the possible presence of such offenders in their local communities.

The criteria for searching are limited to what each individual state may provide. Also, because information is hosted by each state and not by the federal government, search results should be verified by the user in the state where the information is posted.

 

Additional Information- Sex Offenders: The National Safety Network  (News, State and County Database of Sex Offenders) http://sexualoffenders.com/

 

This is not a comprehensive list. You may also want to check the resources and information your state provides.

 

Coping Skills: For Individual or Family Use

Coping Skills (For Individual or Family Use)  

Relax, Soothe, Calm

Pray

Take a deep breath (Variations: Blow Bubbles, Blow a Balloon, Whistle, Aromatherapy candles, oils lotions or scents)

Listen to music

Read a book or Listen to audio books (Be careful of books that may cause triggers; choose a book that will evoke positive emotions (inspiration, laughter, excitement) or will be relaxing

Curl up in blankets (Variations: Wear comfortable or favorite clothing, Wear cheerful colors, Build a “fort”)

Play a game

Take a warm bath or a bubble bath (Suggestion: Add a few drops of essential to a teaspoon of honey or antibacterial soap to add fragrance to the bath)

For a girl: Style hair, paint nails, play dress up

Cook/Bake (If you are having a tough day, make the cooking as simple as possible.)

Go out to eat (Go to a coffee shop with a play area, For a teen going to a coffee shop can also be used to spend quality time together)

String Beads

  

Laughter

Watch a comedy or go to a movie

Play a game  (Charades, Bingo, Pictionary, etc)

Read a funny book

Visit friends or family members

Spend time with a pet

Plan something fun

Play (Get down on the child’s level and take time to play—let the child direct the play and do not judge or criticize, take time to enjoy their imagination)

Make a paper airplane

Playdough

Go to a thrift store (Try on unusual or funny outfits, Donate old things or things that cause triggers, Explore, Make up stories about an object’s history or how it was used)

Go swimming

Treat yourself

Blow Bubbles

   

Spiritual Comfort

Pray

Meditate

Meet with a pastor or spiritual counselor (Variations: Participate in church activities, Volunteer, Ask the assistance of a pastor or spiritual counselor to develop a coping plan)

Read spiritual texts

Spend time outdoors

Listen to music

Smudge the room with sage, incense or essential oil diffuser

Visit a church or sacred site

Journal (For kids this could be an actual journal or drawing/arts)

Redirection

Pray

Exercise (Variations: Dance, Yoga, Sports, Bike Riding, Roller blade)

Change of environment (Go outside/take a walk, visit a friend or family member, visit a museum, go on a day trip)

Play games that engage the mind (models, puzzles, mazes, sudoku, word finds etc)

Go on a “treasure hunt” or a “scavenger hunt”

Scrap booking (Variations: Sticker book, Collage, Editing a photo on the computer)

Write (Learning how to write in poetic forms is helpful. Child may enjoy using chalk, finger paints, or a Magna Doodle. Writing letters can also be therapeutic—you can send a letter to a friend or loved one OR write a letter to express thoughts or feelings without actually giving it to the person)

  

Be Positive

Pray

Buy some fortune cookies

Talk to someone positive or plan an event with someone positive

Listen to music

Watch a movie

Look at photos (Be careful the photos are of good memories, try to avoid triggers)

Read affirmations

Write down or talk about positive things about yourself—or things to be thankful for

Create something (Garden, Arts/Crafts, Models, Photography, Writing, etc)

Take a class/Learn something new (Variations: Go to the library, Listen to live music or poetry, Go to a museum, Try something different OR Do something you have always wanted to do). Look for opportunities to share what you have learned or help others.

Work Through Issues

Set goals (Try to be reasonable and if a goal is not met, ask for help or use coping skills—don’t be too hard on yourself)

Seek counseling or therapy

Join a support group

Join parenting groups or family activities (Through church, neighborhood groups or community ed, etc)

Ask for help

Talk to someone you trust

Gain additional information or education

Take a break when needed or using coping skills

Take care of yourself (Get enough sleep, Eat healthy, Exercise, Spend time with friends or family, Work towards goals, etc)

 

The Affects of Gambling on Children

 

Casino Kids: How Gambling Addiction Affects Children

Gambling is becoming a way of life, to the detriment of individual and family lives. Poker is becoming increasingly popular, now offered in neighborhood bars. Buses transport gamblers to casinos from convenient locations. Exposure on TV, video games and the Internet is increasing. Gambling is being considered as a means to increase revenue for the state. A new generation known as “Casino Kids are being raised among the fast action and blinking lights, an estimated 2.5 million children in the US are affected by a parent’s gambling addiction. An increased risk of divorce, abuse, and emotional problems are associated with families affected by gambling addiction. Family treatment is crucial to coping with problems caused by gambling addiction, especially for children who are most vulnerable when family functioning becomes disrupted.

 When the Chips are Down: Gambling Addiction 

     Biological studies show that gambling addiction is similar to chemical addiction. Like a chemical addiction, a gambler is unable to control the addiction, may experience mood swings (including depression, anxiety and euphoria), may seek immediate gratification and may use gambling as a means to escape pain or unresolved issues. Both gambling and chemical dependency are disorders that steadily progress. The addiction will consume the gambler and, if not addressed, will erode family relationships and the ability to participate in everyday life. Crisis intervention is crucial as many gamblers commit suicide, experience mental breakdowns or face financial ruin.

  Gamblers are not addicted to money, but to the “action”, the thrill and arousal of gambling. Through gambling the addict may seek self-gratification or an escape from problems. As the addiction progresses, the need for “action” becomes so great that the high of gambling is comparable to a cocaine high. Gambling addictions occur in cycles of winning, losing, and desperation. The “winning phase” is marked with euphoria; the gambler may be optimistic and entertain grandiose fantasies (often making promises involving their winnings or boasting of their status as a “high roller”). The excitement of gambling leads to increased bets and increased time spent at the casino. A gambling addict may neglect personal care, blackout or abandon social and family responsibility. The “losing phase” is marked with frustration and need to return to the casino to win back losses. In the “losing phase” a gambler may develop irrational thoughts or rituals involving the “cause” of their loss and how to resume winning. The gambler may blame or guilt others for the loss.  An example would be a gambler telling a spouse, “I only win when you support me, I loose when you don’t”. A gambler may also project their frustrations on others in aggression. In the “losing phase”, the gambler may blame others for their loss, turn to substance abuse, or experience severe life disruptions.  In the “desperation phase”, the gambler spends more time at the casino; “action” becomes the sole focus of the gambler. Or the gambler may feel guilt, which invites a need to “make up” for losses. In the “desperation phase” a gambler may borrow money, sell personal/family items or commit illegal acts to get more money to gamble. Gambling will often damage relationships with others, resulting in isolation and/or withdrawal for both the gambler and those affected. As the addiction progresses, the gambler is driven by compulsive urges to satisfy their need for “action” and cannot separate the casino from any other aspect of life. Preoccupation with gambling becomes so intense (reliving past gambling experiences, planning future ventures or initiating children into gambling), it becomes difficult, even painful, to stop gambling. A gambler may stop for a time only to return to the “action”, in which the phases of gambling addiction begin again.

Cycles of family violence may occur along side gambling addiction. A study conducted by the University of Nebraska Medical Center found that problem gambling is as much a risk factor for domestic violence as alcohol abuse. Feelings of frustration, desperation, hopelessness and anger caused by gambling addiction may incite family tension, stress and overall dysfunction. Emotional abuse is prevalent within families experiencing gambling addiction. The behavior of a gambling addict is unpredictable, resulting in disrupted family routines and for a child, a lack of security. Many children affected by gambling addiction report feeling profound loss and helplessness, comparable to the grief experienced after a death. The gambler may abandon the family, deplete finances, or berate family members for not “supporting” or not “understanding” their gambling. Living with a gambling addict often is described as “living a lie” and “living a nightmare”.

  A-B-C’s and 1-2-3 Cherries: Children Affected by Gambling Addiction 

Casinos create the illusion that gambling is “family friendly” by offering daycare, restaurants and entertainment. Nothing could be further from the truth: children ARE adversely affected by gambling addiction. From a young age, children are attune to family dynamics, and are keenly aware of turmoil. Through behavior, a child will express or mimic what is experienced in the home.

 

 

    The impact of gambling addiction on children is devastating. On an emotional level, children commonly feel betrayal, depression, anger, and anxiety. This in turn results in low self-esteem or difficult behaviors (such as regression, self-injuring, aggression and addictions). Further, the casino, or reminders of, may trigger anxiety or trauma, in which the child re-experiences feelings and memories associated with the parent’s gambling addiction. Children may also become fearful and unable to trust or become close to others. When the need to “win” or experience a “thrill” is modeled by a gambling parent, children may equate love with dangerous, thrill seeking behavior—or feel the need to compete with the casino, seeking attention with inappropriate behavior. In turn, children are set up to be further victimized or become addicts, themselves. The rates of neglect and abandonment (left in locked vehicles in casino parking lots or left alone without proper care) are high for children in families affected by gambling addiction. Many children will turn to addictions, including gambling, or substance abuse. Withheld feelings may result in mental or physical decline. Financial hardship caused by gambling may deprive a child of necessities, some families experience poverty and even, homelessness.

  Fold ‘Em: Healing after Gambling Addiction  

Gambling addiction must be acknowledged as a major addictive disorder in which professional help must be sought and relentlessly pursued. Counseling is effective in addressing psychological issues as well as offering guidance in repairing family relations. In addition, parenting support groups or classes may offer important skills and insights. If a family is fleeing domestic violence, seeking help and meeting safety concerns must be addressed; the support of a shelter or social service agency will offer crucial support and resources.

 

      A commitment to recovery is crucial to repairing family relations, and addressing the repercussions of gambling addiction. The road to recovery will not be easy–the gambler may continue to lie, manipulate or resist treatment. Despite the gambler’s condition, the needs of the child must come first. Children who have been affected by a parent’s gambling addiction will need help from an agency that specializes in working with children, as part of their healing, in addition to seeking support and/or therapy for the family. When seeking help, a child may resist change because they are afraid of losing a parent. Positive changes must be reinforced not only by getting help but also by modeling behavior. Turning to community agencies, faith based agencies or family and friends may offer support, and assist in upholding new changes. Being part of the community and enjoying activities, as a family, will create new experiences and outlets, replacing casinos with quality time. When dealing with gambling addiction, the best bet is for the well being of the child is to get help immediately.