Quote: An Invincible Summer

“In the midst of winter, I finally discovered that there was in me an invincible summer.” — Albert Camus

 

 

Justice to the Oppressed (Quote)

Job 36:5-6 (NKJV), “Behold, God is mighty but despises no one; He is mighty in strength of understanding. He does not preserve the life of the wicked, But gives justice to the oppressed.”

Graphics Courtesy of: Upon This Rock

http://www.uponthisrock.com

 

Quote: Conning the System

“Abusive behavior did not make it into the diagnostic criteria of mental health disorders, nor were its psychodynamic, cultural and social roots explored in depth. As a result of this deficient education and lacking awareness, most law enforcement officers, judges, counselors, guardians, and mediators are worryingly ignorant about the phenomenon…The blissfully ignorant mental health professionals are simply unaware of the “bad sides” of the abuser – and make sure they remain oblivious to them. They look the other way, or pretend that the abuser’s behavior is normative, or turn a blind eye to his egregious conduct.” — Dr. Sam Vanknin, Conning the System

Link: http://samvak.tripod.com/abusefamily10.html

 

PARENT - Job Description

POSITION :

Mom, Mommy, Mama, Ma

Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa, Pop

JOB DESCRIPTION :
Long term, team players needed, for challenging permanent work in an, often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities! Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.

RESPONSIBILITIES :
The rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf. Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. 
Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects. Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next. Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices. Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product. Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility. 

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION :
None. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you.

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE : None required unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.

WAGES AND COMPENSATION :
Get this!   You pay them, offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

BENEFITS :
While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered;  This job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs and kisses for life if you play your cards right. 

 

Quote: Two Ways to Deal with Tragedy & Injustice

“There are only two ways to deal with tragedy and injustice: show it plainly or hide all traces…”  How to Make an American Quilt, Whitney Otto, p. 18.

 

Coping Skills: For Individual or Family Use

Coping Skills (For Individual or Family Use)  

Relax, Soothe, Calm

Pray

Take a deep breath (Variations: Blow Bubbles, Blow a Balloon, Whistle, Aromatherapy candles, oils lotions or scents)

Listen to music

Read a book or Listen to audio books (Be careful of books that may cause triggers; choose a book that will evoke positive emotions (inspiration, laughter, excitement) or will be relaxing

Curl up in blankets (Variations: Wear comfortable or favorite clothing, Wear cheerful colors, Build a “fort”)

Play a game

Take a warm bath or a bubble bath (Suggestion: Add a few drops of essential to a teaspoon of honey or antibacterial soap to add fragrance to the bath)

For a girl: Style hair, paint nails, play dress up

Cook/Bake (If you are having a tough day, make the cooking as simple as possible.)

Go out to eat (Go to a coffee shop with a play area, For a teen going to a coffee shop can also be used to spend quality time together)

String Beads

  

Laughter

Watch a comedy or go to a movie

Play a game  (Charades, Bingo, Pictionary, etc)

Read a funny book

Visit friends or family members

Spend time with a pet

Plan something fun

Play (Get down on the child’s level and take time to play—let the child direct the play and do not judge or criticize, take time to enjoy their imagination)

Make a paper airplane

Playdough

Go to a thrift store (Try on unusual or funny outfits, Donate old things or things that cause triggers, Explore, Make up stories about an object’s history or how it was used)

Go swimming

Treat yourself

Blow Bubbles

   

Spiritual Comfort

Pray

Meditate

Meet with a pastor or spiritual counselor (Variations: Participate in church activities, Volunteer, Ask the assistance of a pastor or spiritual counselor to develop a coping plan)

Read spiritual texts

Spend time outdoors

Listen to music

Smudge the room with sage, incense or essential oil diffuser

Visit a church or sacred site

Journal (For kids this could be an actual journal or drawing/arts)

Redirection

Pray

Exercise (Variations: Dance, Yoga, Sports, Bike Riding, Roller blade)

Change of environment (Go outside/take a walk, visit a friend or family member, visit a museum, go on a day trip)

Play games that engage the mind (models, puzzles, mazes, sudoku, word finds etc)

Go on a “treasure hunt” or a “scavenger hunt”

Scrap booking (Variations: Sticker book, Collage, Editing a photo on the computer)

Write (Learning how to write in poetic forms is helpful. Child may enjoy using chalk, finger paints, or a Magna Doodle. Writing letters can also be therapeutic—you can send a letter to a friend or loved one OR write a letter to express thoughts or feelings without actually giving it to the person)

  

Be Positive

Pray

Buy some fortune cookies

Talk to someone positive or plan an event with someone positive

Listen to music

Watch a movie

Look at photos (Be careful the photos are of good memories, try to avoid triggers)

Read affirmations

Write down or talk about positive things about yourself—or things to be thankful for

Create something (Garden, Arts/Crafts, Models, Photography, Writing, etc)

Take a class/Learn something new (Variations: Go to the library, Listen to live music or poetry, Go to a museum, Try something different OR Do something you have always wanted to do). Look for opportunities to share what you have learned or help others.

Work Through Issues

Set goals (Try to be reasonable and if a goal is not met, ask for help or use coping skills—don’t be too hard on yourself)

Seek counseling or therapy

Join a support group

Join parenting groups or family activities (Through church, neighborhood groups or community ed, etc)

Ask for help

Talk to someone you trust

Gain additional information or education

Take a break when needed or using coping skills

Take care of yourself (Get enough sleep, Eat healthy, Exercise, Spend time with friends or family, Work towards goals, etc)

 

Let My Name Stand: Quote by Louisa May Alcott

 “Let my name stand among those who are willing to bear ridicule and reproach for the truth’s sake, and so earn some right to rejoice when the victory is won.” ~ Louisa May Alcott

 

A Short Note on PAS/Dr. Phil Parenting Mistakes

 

Food for thought…. Dr. Phil taped a show about mistakes parents can make during or after divorce. I agree with Dr. Phil that parents can make choices that adversely affect the child, and that if divorce issues are not handled carefully children will be hurt. I do not believe or endorse Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS), nor was this episode of Dr. Phil discussing PAS.  However, I thought Dr. Phil’s thoughts would be interesting to consider or discuss in relation to PAS, and in the broader context of healing family relations.

Here is a link to “Post-Divorce Parenting Mistakes and Strategies” on Dr.Phil.com: http://www.drphil.com/articles/article/242

Post-divorce parenting is fraught with danger, danger that you will inadvertently do damage on top of what the divorce has already done. To help you recognize mistakes you may be making and to avoid mistakes you’re prone to make, Dr. Phil lists some of the biggest and most frequent mistakes those in your situation typically make:

Sabotaging your child’s relationship with the other parent.

Using your child as a pawn to “get back at” or hurt your ex.

Using your child to gain information or to manipulate and influence your ex.

Transferring hurt feelings and frustrations toward your ex onto your child. (You may be particularly prone to this if your child bears physical or behavioral resemblances to your ex.)

Forcing your child to choose a side when there’s a conflict in scheduling or another planning challenge.

Turning family events attended by both divorced parents into pressure cookers. Events that call for sensitivity include birthdays, holidays, school programs, extracurricular activities and performances.

Depending too much on your children for companionship and support because you’re hurt and lonely and have adopted a siege mentality: “It’s us against the world.” This isn’t a healthy position for either you or your child to adopt.

Treating your child like an adult because you’re lonely or just want help. It is inappropriate to give your child an adult job.

Becoming so emotionally needy that your child develops feelings of guilt if he or she spends time or even wants to spend time with your ex, friends, grandparents or others.

Converting guilt over the divorce into overindulgence when it comes to satisfying your child’s material desires.Besides making a commitment to avoid these mistakes, you should affirmatively commit to a family and parenting strategy that will help your child flourish in a divorced home.

The site does include strategies to implement positive changes. I believe that after a divorce, the family is changed but still, a family relationship exists–because children are involved. There are alot of resources to get additional help with problems including: counseling, parenting classes, parenting & divorce classes, mediation services and if needed, family court services. If the relationship between the adults is so toxic that the children are being adversely affected I believe it is best to seek additional help because work will need to be done to create a functional relationship and seek reasonable agreements in an environment that is safe and unbiased while focusing in the best interest of the children.

I would like to add that dealing with domestic violence and child abuse requires additional help because safety should be a number one priority. I would not advise negotiating or making deals with a perpetrator, it is better to get outside help and develop a safety plan with experienced professionals. If you have an Order for Protection or a Harassment Order parenting children will not be the same as in a “typical” divorce–again, safety should be the first consideration and outside help is crucial to ensure your safety comes first, and your rights are being protected.

I do not believe in Gardner’s theory of Parental Alienation because it is an unproven, unfounded theory that has been widely discredited; and in practice, has had devastating results on children and families.

“In the final analysis, parental alienation syndrome is little more than a scientific-sounding label for conduct that judges and lawyers have known about for years.  In some custody battles, one parent attempts to turn the child against the other parent.  The child becomes a pawn in the struggle over custody.  Such parental behavior is inexcusable and should not be tolerated.  In view of the damage inflicted by parental alienation syndrome and its bias against women, however, the wiser course would be to discard the syndrome and confront unethical behavior head on.” What is Parental Alienation Syndrome, and Why is it so Often Used Against Mothers? Mothers Against Sexual Abuse. http://www.againstsexualabuse.org/docs/ParentalAlienation.asp

I appreciate the input offered. I am open to talking about and exploring ideas, theories and views. You views and experiences will be respected. In posting, you can remain anonymous if you wish.

Thank-you ~* Evanlee

National Domestic Violence Hotline

http://www.ndvh.org/

1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
1-800-787-3224 (TTY)

 

Charlotte Gray on Mothers

Charlotte Gray:
Becoming a mother makes you the mother of all children. From now on each wounded, abandoned, frightened child is yours. You live in the suffering mothers of every race and creed and weep with them. You long to comfort all who are desolate.

 

Happy Mother’s Day!

 Before I was a Mom -

I didn’t know the feeling of having my heart outside my body. 

I didn’t know how special it could feel to feed a hungry baby.

I didn’t know that bond between a mother and her child.

I didn’t know that something so small could make me feel so important and happy.

Before I was a Mom -

I had never gotten up in the middle of the night every 10 minutes to make sure all was okay.

 
I had never known the warmth, the joy, the love, the heartache,the wonderment or the satisfaction of being a Mom.

I didn’t know I was capable of feeling so much…

 before I was a Mom.

Happy Mother’s Day ()-