A response to on “Moms reveal why they gave up children”. After witnessing incredible abuses of power extend into all levels of the legal system, whose members play prominent roles in society, I have often wondered why?? This article answers a little…for some it is the power and control, the social status, the financial incentives. For others, as this article suggests, they see the break up of families as necessary because a woman who has divorced (or worse, had children out of wedlock!) has failed to perform her duties as a wife and mother. She is flawed. She resents her role as a mother, feels stifled, and is bored with her husband. She could have had a career. Exciting sexual experiences. Explored something greater… In order to discover her authentic self, and reclaim her purpose in life, the mother must relinquish custody of her children. The father, who is the victim in this tale, has dutifully stayed at home with the children, and put up with a rebellious wife. He maintains a job. Is financially secure. Is looked upon with newfound respect. He is better suited to being a parent, even being a mother. He must have sole custody. This dangerous ideology has infiltrated all levels of society. Even women adopt it, perhaps because they feel that they are asserting or gaining some kind of special privelegs. Used in the Courts this type of thinking contributes the forcible separation of children from mothers, creates bias that corrupts justice (and bias that may be connected to race, economic status or accusations domestic violence) and leads the further destruction of families.
Also, earlier this year MSNBC reported an incident of domestic violence, where a man beat his girlfriend as she was driving a car down the highway, their small child sleeping in the back of the car, with evident sarcasm. The man screamed at his girlfriend and ripped off a rear view mirror and used it to shatter the windshield. He also punched his girlfriend in the face with such force that he knocked her glasses off. At the time the man was eating and so he had a sandwich in his hand; as strange as it sounds, it is likely that the sandwich lessened the impact when he hit her. MSNBC reported the event, highlighting that the man beat his girlfriend with a sandwich, and then added a punch line, “Police haven’t said what type of sandwich was involved.”” and joked that it may have been a “club sandwhich”. This attack was severe, and could have resulted in fatalities. Domestic violence is nothing to laugh about. Considering MSNBC’s previous reporting on this incident, again it seems MSNBC has taken to one-sided reporting while overlooking crucial issues. Indeed, “Moms reveal” does not portray any stories of women who fought for custody of children, or who share custody with ex-husbands/partners.
I was at work today went I went online and “Moms Reveal” popped up on my browser, the words “people are gradually coming to understand that sometimes the best thing a mother can do for her child is let go of them…” immediately caught my eye. Every instinct I had screamed “No!”
The “Moms reveal” article highlights a feature from Marie Claire magazine which includes personal stories and statistics about the rising number of women who relinquish custody of children after divorce. The advice given to the estimated 2 million non-custodial mothers is that fathers are able to fill the role as mother—society needs to be “less judgmental” of men. Between the lines, the article suggests that a child will not notice the difference that they have less contact with their mother—suggesting there is nothing distinguishable between the roles of a mother and a father, and their influence in a child’s life. Clinical psychologist Judith Sills is prominently quoted in “Moms Reveal”. She states, “The fact is, some good moms can protect their children best by recognizing someone else is the better parent.” In essence, a mother is replaceable—inconsequential as moving a child from training wheels to a bicycle.
More than once in “Moms reveal” is the mother is referred to as “the primary caregiver” , at the same time it portrays motherhood as robbing a woman of her youth, and placing her in a kind of domestic prison. In each personal story featured, the mothers felt stifled, robbed of their careers, overwhelmed by their children—and after the divorce they went on to lead happier lives without their children. This is the only perspective of non-custodial mothers offered in “Moms Reveal”. Any grief or emotion felt by these women due to divorce, and losing their children, was explained as coming from society, who looked down on mothers who did not fill their traditional roles. Joanna Coles, editor-in-chief of Marie Claire explains, “But I think it was very important to lift the taboo on it and to say these are real stories that happen to real people, and the children are just fine.” “Moms Reveals” implies that if social taboos were removed, then more mothers would move to give up children after divorce, and could go on to live happy lives.
Nothing in “Moms Reveal” even remotely suggests the best possible outcome after divorce—that the mother and the father are able to amicably co-parent and share custody. In case of abuse, this may not be possible…but to be fair, I have to mention this possibility. For those families who are able to accomplish this, I applaud your efforts. I wish the same could be for my children.
I was most appalled by “Moms Reveal” because love, loyalty, and family were portrayed in a negative light. The special bond between a mother and child was dismissed entirely. In the book “Getting Naked Again”, Sills suggests that divorce is a kind of freedom for women, who are then reborn and can freely explore their sexuality and prowess. Sills again condemns the role of caregiver and wife in “Getting Naked Again”, “All of us who are single — whether widowed or divorced, dumped or thankfully detached, or just newly resurfaced after the distractions of motherhood, career, or both — stand at the same anxious precipice. Must I, will I get back into the game of courtship?”
The role of family is under attack with hostile interpretations, and the message that “There is a better alternative”. Don’t be fooled, “Moms reveal” has more to do with politics than parenting.
The stories not offered in “Moms Reveal” include the many women who are forced or coerced into relinquishing custody of children. Some typical scenarios may include:
* A mother cannot afford legal bills, or is unable to access affordable legal help so she is forced into making compromises or giving up custody. Such mothers are likely to enter into agreements or can be manipulated because they do not know their rights and options.
Alternately, if a mother is able to access legal help and she feels her attorney is not representing her best interests, she is likely to conceed to his demands simply because there is no other help available.
* A mother fleeing domestic violence is threatened by her abuser that he will take the children, and she will never see them again. Or he will make up stories that she is crazy and she will loose all rights to her children. Or is threatened physical harm if she continue to go against him. Threats and intimidation can be used to force a mother to make choices she otherwise would not consent to.
* A mother is physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted after lengthy custody proceedings, that can extend into years. Such proceedings can include various testing, parenting or divorce classes, lengthy interviews by court personnel, various court appearances not to mention other stressors such as a complete loss of privacy, unpredictable visitation schedules with children, inability to work due to the demands of proceedings, verbal assault and accusations from the other party and financial hardship (even bankruptcy) caused by ongoing litigation. All these factors (and more) can drive a mother into making choices she otherwise would not consent to, because some time with the children is better than no time at all. Or, she simply cannot endure the ongoing litigation, and its effects on her children.
* Injustice, bias and a system overloaded with cases can make a mother feel powerless. Her rights may be denied. She may be intimidated by the court personnel, and even forced into negotiating with her abuser. She feels the system has failed her, and has no other options than to go along with what her heart tells her is wrong.
For many women, it is agonizing to loose children after divorce–theydo not “relinquish” custody, they are forced to give up children. They are often assaulted first at the hands of abusers then by an onslaught of false accusations, unreasonable expectations and by predjudice that suggests if a woman fails at marriage then she is unfit to be a mother. For “Moms Reveal” to exclude these stories, shows incredible insensitivity.
My protest is to say that I am a mother. I love my children. And I find it enjoyable to be at home—and a privilege (that I can no longer afford due to the break up of my family) to be a caregiver. I never wanted to reliquish custody; my rights were denied in court and my children were forcibly taken from me. I can relate to “Moms Reveal” because after I lost my children, I was told by some people (not many) things like, “It must be nice for you to have a break from your children”. Or, “Now you will have more time to yourself.” Or, “You shouldn’t center your whole life around your children.” These types of views are real, and they become more powerful than truth, than the laws designed to protect us–families are irreplably harmed.
I grieve for my children everyday. And I will continue to fight for them, and continue to rebuild my family as best as I can.
Evanlee Perth, 2009.
Article: “Moms reveal why they gave up their children”
Reported By: Mike Celizic, MSNBC News
Link: http://www.newsvine.com/_news/2009/07/29/3087161-moms-reveal-why-they-gave-up-their-children
(reported on 11/18/2008) “Cops: Man uses sandwich to assault girlfriend
Authorities aren’t saying if the weapon he wielded was a club sandwich” . The article was listed on the front page of MSNBC under “Weird News”. http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/27793459/from/ET/
November 8, 2008
“True Abuse” Commentary by Katie Stanton
Posted by evanlee21 under Child Abuse, Parental Alienation Syndrome, Uncategorized | Tags: abuse, Commentary, domestic violence, family court, Katie Stanton, Parental Alienation Syndrome |[3] Comments
I am posting this commentary that was left in response to my poem “Parental Alienation” (http://parentingabusedkids.wordpress.com/2007/10/03/parental-alienation-a-poem/). Katie does an excellent job of describing the continued abuse and trauma that a batterer can inflict on his family by using family court as a tool for revenge.
I think it’s important to gain as much information as possible and to listen to other views because when involved in family court proceedings often the facts are so twisted or the mother is so attacked that it becomes difficult to distinguish the truth. Most mothers endure years of verbal attacks, degredation, suspicion, coercision and threats throughout the court process; it is not a stretch to describe these tactics as being a form of psychological warfare. While going through the court process the mothers often deplete their finances in order to afford the court costs, develop symptoms as a result of extreme and ongoing stress, and have to watch as their children suffer (and are punished for trying to stop it from happening). Support and education is essential to maintaining a sense of reality–and being able to survive the impossible.
On a personal note, I have gone through almost all of what Katie describes below. It is real. It happens.
This really hit home: ” Father will often have wealthy parents (and usually highly abusive and controlling father). Father’s parents will also engage in the terrorizing of mom and kids, and will also make threats and file false reports. Father’s parents function like tag team of bullies.”
My abuser comes from a family with an inter-generational history of abuse, incest, criminal behavior, drug/alcohol addiction and mental illness. His father is racist, controlling and extremely emotionally abusive. It was common for us to watch what we say and do around his father because we feared his verbal tirades–and in response, by abuser became more volatile and likely to hurt me or the children. When I left my abuser, his father actually admitted to me that he knew the family had problems and he actually began to tell me all the things he felt was wrong with his son (another tirade). But in the end, my abuser’s parents stood by his side, and began to wage their own court proceedings against me. The parents refused to help, support or show any care for the children. My children are actually afraid of their grandparents. During one visit with their grandparents, my children reported that the grandmother called them swear words, yelled at them and grabbed my daughter by the arm. When I reported this incident I was accused of “over reporting” and “projecting my fears onto the children” by the GAL. I am just waiting for the money to run out (they cashed in their retirement fund) in hopes this will slow them down… What really scares me is that my children are not safe, and are at risk of becoming the next generation of abusers in this family. I am fighting to prevent that, and appreciate the feedback Katie–the clarity means alot.
Again, check out Katie’s post.
Katie, thanks for sharing. Keep up the good work!
Blessings, Evanlee
ktstanton
cadystanton@yahoo.com
http://glennsacks.com/blog/?p=2879
The True Abuse/False Alienation Scam
by Katie Stanton
There are false allegations of fictitious syndromes going on all over the country and around the world. Horrifically abusive men, armed with lots of money, use false allegations of Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS) as a strategy to annihilate their families.
Instead of doing this physically, these abusers are using family court to inflict the damage. The men who claim to be “alienated” often will repeatedly call in false abuse reports on the mother, which is ignored in court proceedings and by the PAS-accusing evaluator.
These same men will attempt to “coach” the child to say bad things and make false allegations against the mother. When the child reports the father for his abuse (including parental alienation tactics), the father falsely claims alienation by the mother. It is a reign of terror, with the child as the ultimate victim.
There are some of the frequently elements of the abuse/false alienation scam. These behaviors often start during the relationship–they’re not something that occurs as a result of divorce, but instead are often the reason for the divorce. They are:
Abuse frequently either begins or escalates during pregnancy.
Abuse can be physical and/or sexual.
Threatens to take the children if the victim mom leaves.
Threatens the life of the mom and/or children.
Extremely emotionally abusive and controlling.
Coercive control is constant.
Stalking.
Harassment by any means possible, phone, email or any other means of communication. Communications are with the intent to inflict emotional distress.
False accusations of infidelity.
Interferes with wife/mom’s work.
Keeps mom and kids from having friendships with other people, and relationships with her own family, wants to only be with his relatives and friends.
Financial abuse (may incur bills and refuse to pay any, forces mom/wife to take on debt to keep family afloat while simultaneously undermining work of wife/mom).
Wife/mom will try to get help for husband/dad, and NOT immediately leave. Wife/mom will refuse to prosecute, only to later have this be extremely detrimental.
CPS involvement due to domestic violence and child abuse reports called in by people other than the mom. Mom will be terrorized with every report because she is at risk of losing kids to CPS.
Abuse against child that child discloses to mom while still married or in relationship. Mom will choose to work with dad on this personally.
Mom gets threatened by CPS with failure to protect while married or in relationship.
Visitation may be stopped for valid reasons.
Child is a pawn, the ways and means of continuing the abuse on the mother while inflicting great harm on the child.
Child will often be abused in front of mother intentionally during exchanges.
Child exchanges are just another opportunity to inflict harm on mom and child in any way possible. Calling all day, changing times, changing locations, repeatedly and obnoxiously.
Father refusing to return child from visitation.
Father will often have wealthy parents (and usually highly abusive and controlling father).
Father’s parents will also engage in the terrorizing of mom and kids, and will also make threats and file false reports. Father’s parents function like tag team of bullies.
Father will have visitation, then falsely claim that he was denied visitation. (Valid reasons for schedule changes are claimed to be “alienation.”)
Father will receive phone calls, and school correspondence, then falsely claim that the calls were not long enough or meaningful enough, etc and that he did not receive ENOUGH information from school or may falsely claim that he received nothing when opposite is true.
Mother will comply with every order in great detail, while father disobeys, but father will file for false contempt claim in order to commit custody exchange fraud.
Father only needs to lie to psychologist, who then does nothing to corroborate any information, and psychologist will come to court and falsely accuse parental alienation without any evidence. Courts will listen to paid expert and vilify the protective parent to the delight of the abuser.
Father is expert at “crazy-making” This behavior distorts reality and destroys the possibility of honest communication. This is a very effective device to increase confusion and insecurity in the victim. It also makes the victim mom have to continuously defend in court.
In these cases, of course the child is fearful of the father. The children will be telling the truth, and the psychotic father is claiming they are lying. He forces the children to undergo evaluations and reunification therapy in efforts to have these psychologists “brainwash” the children into believing the father’s alternate version of realty.
The children are tortured by unethical lawyers and psychologists profiteering off the case under the direction of the abuser dad, who is usually a very skillful and charming liar. The litigation will go on endlessly, as the protective parent desperately tries to shield the child.
This tactic of the true abuser using false allegations of alienation is an extreme form of emotional battering, and is a way of continuing to inflict abuse. The child will resent the true abuser even more, because of the hell they are being put through in order to exact revenge on the mom. False allegation of this fictitious syndrome–Parental Alienation Syndrome–is a fraud and needs to be exposed.