Parenting Abused Children is a site to offer hope and support for families of abused children, and to give voice to children who cannot speak for themselves.
I knew what it meant to be abused, I did not know what it meant to be battered until I entered the Family court system.
When I was little, I dreamed of being a stay-at-home-mom. I wanted to get married to someone who really loved me, have children, and work from home. The first jobs I held all involved working with children. I did well in high school, and after graduation looked forward to college, and the future ahead. I never did realize my dreams. Instead of marrying a man who loved me, I married an man who called me names, who hated me, and violated me in the worst possible way. I was young and stupid enough to believe things would change—or I could fix things. I was also scared, and feeling trapped. It is not an exaggeration to say, I lost every possibility offered to me, and I then I lost my will to fight back. I spent too many years in an abusive marriage, even worse my children suffered because of the violence and chaos in my home. I love my children and deeply regret that I was unable to protect them, and that I was not strong enough to leave sooner.
As a mother, I was devoted, the only source of stability in my children’s lives. I was a stay at home mom. I educated my children at home before school started, so they were ahead of children their age by the time they attended Kindergarten. And when my husband abandoned the family to chase his addictive, destructive behavior—I stayed home, caring for the children all on my own. I spent the last of my savings to provide for my children when my husband was unable to do so. I put my own body in front of the children to protect them from his rages. Until one day I had enough and finally left.
Soon after I left my ex husband (and became homeless because he refused to provide any financial support and then changed the locks on our house), my husband began to harass and stalk me. He threatened that if I did not come back, and do what he wanted, that he would make up stories that I am crazy and take the children from me. He threatened that if he couldn’t have the children (have them under his control) that he would make sure they would not be with me. My children and I were forced to flee our house, and live in shelters. We lost everything. Family court refused to provide any amount of child support even as my children were homeless, relying on the goodness of others to provide food, shelter, and clothing. We went to free stores for clothing. Ate anything offered to us. And lived from shelter to shelter for over a year until we were accepted into transitional then subsidized housing.
My ex husband waged legal battle with me that continues to this day. He tried to have me arrested on false charges then filed several other legal actions against me. I eventually lost all rights to my children, because I was falsely accused of “Parental Alienation Syndrome”. The proof of this is that I feel fear of my ex husband. I was told that I am “painting a bad picture” of my ex husband when I talk about past abuse and my current concerns with him. I was told that my ex hsuband is not such a bad guy because “he has a house, a job and a car”. I was told that because I am unable to make eye contact with him, and that I tend to shrink away when in his presence that I am “alienating” my children from their father. Family court has put me into several situations with my ex husband where I did not feel safe, and felt their recommendations resulted in situations where I was further threatened and harassed. I was accused of “alienation” because I sought help from a Battered Women’s shelter, and developed a safety plan. Court personnel actually told me that I don’t need a safety plan, and I can’t prove he abused me. I live in fear not only my ex husband but of Family Court itself.
The truth is that my children have shown no signs of alienation against their father—they do have a relationship with their father, and in my care regularly visited their father. Even while I had concerns, I forced the children into those visits because I was afraid of what the court would do if I objected. One of my children had intense nightmares and would wet the bed after the visits. Yet I made them go. The only negative reaction my children had was based on fear related to the abuse they endured from thier father, not “parental alienation”. My child has made at least a dozen allegations of abuse, which have all been ignored. My children were found to suffer from Anxiety and Post Traumatic Stress. They suffer in silence now because they have learned if they speak up they will be punished.
I have been targeted by Family Court for reprogramming—forced to take classes, attend counseling, and somehow “prove” that I am not afraid of my abuser, and that I can co-parent with him in a 1950’s passive female/dominant male stereotype. I survive by keeping my mouth shut, remaining unseen, and using survival skills that I learned while in my abusive marriage.
In truth, due to the actions of Family Court in combination with my ex husband harassing me, my children have been alienated from me, and forcibly separated after I lost all rights to them. I have no say about their education, medical care, religious upbringing, cultural upbringing–nor any other facet of their life. I get one supervised visit and one phone call a week. And I was the mother who raised these children from birth. The mother who kept these children safe and cared for while homeless. The mother who loves them–there has never been any evidence to suggest I harmed my children. My ex was right with every threat he made, it breaks my heart that again I am unable to protect my children.
This is not a nightmare—it is real and happening in America. Families are being destroyed by abuse and then utterly decimated by family court. I created this site to advocate for my children, and others in this situation. I created this site to offer information, hope and support. Stay strong, never give up. As long as I have hope I will keep fighting for the lives of my children and others, keep fighting to restore justice to the family court system.
God Bless ~* Evanlee Juliet Perth
February 14, 2008 at 2:06 pm
Im new to all this and i dont quite no how to add you as a friend but my name is Chrissy username ctyofangels. Iam a victim of pas you might like my blog.
March 8, 2008 at 12:31 pm
March 11, 2009 at 12:16 pm
Wow! i overcame that fear of my husband just before he past away @ 34yrs of age. our children were in fostercare w\there gparents. (his) mom and step dad. once the kids were back in my care,1999. i allinated us from them for fear of them falsely taking them.she kiddnaped my youngest. in 2006. filed custody papers full of lies. a year later i finally hired an awesome Att. and we went to trial and i had prooven all their alligations to be WRONG!march 2007 they were ordered by the judge to return them ASAP. he found no evidence that the way i raised my kids were wrong. he commended me. and i left that court room proud! no more fear. i won! i sought out counsoling for us. and my youngest whom created lies for gma to ccome take her away, she done it again. same lies.and now i am in the cps being forced to do classes that dont pretain to my needs. they are for the alligations.
I have continued to utlise helpful services for the well being and structure of my family. I unstand whet my family needs. and since 2007 when i one the Custody case with Gparents. I have not been able to recieve those serices. I have paper trail on paper trail, prooving my efforts and in volvement.before they set a dependency. on my 14 yr old whom has PTSD, seperation, angzioty, and bipolar. and they puy dependacy on my 16yr.old. i need services to meet the needs of my daughter and myself.but as a healing bonding type . Sure when she fell ill and required mental health, I found A home for her that involveve me as the momma to be part of the healing process.teaching me tools to help guide her. But i get no involment because of the alligations.I thank God for this site. this has been releasing.I know I am goina find the right way to get thru this and be sucesfull. aif i never get her back, Atleast I know that i did do all i was doing for the bettering of my relationship as mom and daughter.
March 12, 2009 at 8:55 pm
Hello Broken Wing,
My thoughts go out to you and your children. I am so sorry to hear about all that you have been through.
The best advise I can give is to focus 100% on your children.
The grandparents will try to distract you, create drama, and their words/action may hurt you…but somehow you have to be strong, and get beyond them. It sounds impossible but it can be done. Seek support or help for dealing with the grandparents, find someone you can talk to and develop ways you can cope. There may be support groups at a church, battered women’s agency or other community resource. Some of these places also offer groups for children (such as “Circle of Parents”).
When you are with your children, you have to separate all of that garbage from who you are as a family. Focus on your love for your children, focus on building a healthy relationship, and focus on something better for your future together.
The children are probably scared, confused and overwhelmed. So you will probably have to go slow. I would try reaching out to them in simple ways–share a cup of cocoa at a cafe, go to a movie they like, exchange letters, seek family counseling.
The children probably do have a relationship or at least feelings for their grandparents. That’s where the counseling will be needed–especially for how you respond to their questions or emotions. When the kids talk about their grandparents, remain neutral or supportive, don’t talk negatively. Another idea is to talk about something light or funny that you share with the grandparents. When my kids talk about their dad, I remain calm and talk about something we all enjoyed or shared–our pets, good memories, places we visited, etc. The idea is that you want to remain open so your children feel comfortable coming to you, you also want to support your children wherever they are at.
Broken Wing you are doing a good job as a mom. It’s obvious how much you love your children and how hard you worked to keep them safe. I support you and wish you all the best.
Blessings, Evanlee
March 29, 2009 at 1:15 am
evanleee, please repost this in any fashion that you’d like. I know you’ll appreciate
http://www.randijames.com/2009/03/parental-alienation-tactic-punishing.html
March 31, 2009 at 5:53 pm
Thanks for posting RJ…
This is a very well researched, thoughtful article. Though heartbreaking, its true.
“Parental alienation syndrome “experts” claim that one parent is brainwashing the child against the other parent…as if all children are so impressionable that they have no independent thought. They frame it as the worse form of child abuse imaginable.
I don’t know about you, but I think sex with children is much worse. And it was child sex abuse allegations that spurred the creation of this parental alienation syndrome, by Dr. Richard Gardner…”
July 28, 2009 at 6:02 pm
How can I link to this site. Also I have started a business for Non custodial mothers. Go to http://www.abusedswan.com. I am giving my web site a face lift soon. I also wanted to know if you would be interested in advertising this blog on a calender I am creating just for non custodial mothers. It is free. Just send me a picture in JPEG for and email, link etc. Also any dates that you have planed to be active. I have declared October 28 as Non Custodial Mothers day and will have my web site updated soon.
August 11, 2009 at 11:30 pm
Hey Deanna,
I am going to your site now…see ya soon!
August 19, 2009 at 11:22 pm
kudos to you for your strength and determination! keep up the hard work.
September 7, 2009 at 11:22 am
Excellent site, keep up the good work
September 11, 2009 at 11:28 am
This site rocks!
October 10, 2009 at 2:06 am
Hey, I read a lot of blogs on a daily basis and for the most part, people lack substance but, I just wanted to make a quick comment to say GREAT blog!…..I”ll be checking in on a regularly now….Keep up the good work!