Parenting Abused Children is a site to offer information, resources, support and most of all–hope–to families of abused children, and those fighting for justice in family court.

This site may post informational articles from a variety of sources but we do not offer legal advise, please seek the appropriate professional or legal services for those questions and concerns.

Feel free to leave comments but be advised that once published, comments become public. To protect your information, use an anonymous name if needed, and do not include identifying details.

I keep you in prayer, and wish you the best in your efforts to heal and rebuild your lives. For those fighting in unjust family court proceedings, I understand your struggles, you are not alone. May justice prevail.

Blessings ~ “EJ”

 

angel

36 Responses to “About Parenting Abused Children”

  1. ctyofangels Says:

    Im new to all this and i dont quite no how to add you as a friend but my name is Chrissy username ctyofangels. Iam a victim of pas you might like my blog.

  2. brokenwings07 Says:

    Wow! i overcame that fear of my husband just before he past away @ 34yrs of age. our children were in fostercare w\there gparents. (his) mom and step dad. once the kids were back in my care,1999. i allinated us from them for fear of them falsely taking them.she kiddnaped my youngest. in 2006. filed custody papers full of lies. a year later i finally hired an awesome Att. and we went to trial and i had prooven all their alligations to be WRONG!march 2007 they were ordered by the judge to return them ASAP. he found no evidence that the way i raised my kids were wrong. he commended me. and i left that court room proud! no more fear. i won! i sought out counsoling for us. and my youngest whom created lies for gma to ccome take her away, she done it again. same lies.and now i am in the cps being forced to do classes that dont pretain to my needs. they are for the alligations.
    I have continued to utlise helpful services for the well being and structure of my family. I unstand whet my family needs. and since 2007 when i one the Custody case with Gparents. I have not been able to recieve those serices. I have paper trail on paper trail, prooving my efforts and in volvement.before they set a dependency. on my 14 yr old whom has PTSD, seperation, angzioty, and bipolar. and they puy dependacy on my 16yr.old. i need services to meet the needs of my daughter and myself.but as a healing bonding type . Sure when she fell ill and required mental health, I found A home for her that involveve me as the momma to be part of the healing process.teaching me tools to help guide her. But i get no involment because of the alligations.I thank God for this site. this has been releasing.I know I am goina find the right way to get thru this and be sucesfull. aif i never get her back, Atleast I know that i did do all i was doing for the bettering of my relationship as mom and daughter.

  3. evanlee21 Says:

    Hello Broken Wing,

    My thoughts go out to you and your children. I am so sorry to hear about all that you have been through.

    The best advise I can give is to focus 100% on your children.

    The grandparents will try to distract you, create drama, and their words/action may hurt you…but somehow you have to be strong, and get beyond them. It sounds impossible but it can be done. Seek support or help for dealing with the grandparents, find someone you can talk to and develop ways you can cope. There may be support groups at a church, battered women’s agency or other community resource. Some of these places also offer groups for children (such as “Circle of Parents”).

    When you are with your children, you have to separate all of that garbage from who you are as a family. Focus on your love for your children, focus on building a healthy relationship, and focus on something better for your future together.

    The children are probably scared, confused and overwhelmed. So you will probably have to go slow. I would try reaching out to them in simple ways–share a cup of cocoa at a cafe, go to a movie they like, exchange letters, seek family counseling.

    The children probably do have a relationship or at least feelings for their grandparents. That’s where the counseling will be needed–especially for how you respond to their questions or emotions. When the kids talk about their grandparents, remain neutral or supportive, don’t talk negatively. Another idea is to talk about something light or funny that you share with the grandparents. When my kids talk about their dad, I remain calm and talk about something we all enjoyed or shared–our pets, good memories, places we visited, etc. The idea is that you want to remain open so your children feel comfortable coming to you, you also want to support your children wherever they are at.

    Broken Wing you are doing a good job as a mom. It’s obvious how much you love your children and how hard you worked to keep them safe. I support you and wish you all the best.

    Blessings, Evanlee

  4. rj Says:

    evanleee, please repost this in any fashion that you’d like. I know you’ll appreciate

    http://www.randijames.com/2009/03/parental-alienation-tactic-punishing.html

  5. evanlee21 Says:

    Thanks for posting RJ…

    This is a very well researched, thoughtful article. Though heartbreaking, its true.

    “Parental alienation syndrome “experts” claim that one parent is brainwashing the child against the other parent…as if all children are so impressionable that they have no independent thought. They frame it as the worse form of child abuse imaginable.

    I don’t know about you, but I think sex with children is much worse. And it was child sex abuse allegations that spurred the creation of this parental alienation syndrome, by Dr. Richard Gardner…”


  6. How can I link to this site. Also I have started a business for Non custodial mothers. Go to http://www.abusedswan.com. I am giving my web site a face lift soon. I also wanted to know if you would be interested in advertising this blog on a calender I am creating just for non custodial mothers. It is free. Just send me a picture in JPEG for and email, link etc. Also any dates that you have planed to be active. I have declared October 28 as Non Custodial Mothers day and will have my web site updated soon.

  7. evanlee21 Says:

    Hey Deanna,

    I am going to your site now…see ya soon!

  8. sexabusesurvivors Says:

    kudos to you for your strength and determination! keep up the hard work.


  9. Excellent site, keep up the good work

  10. Bill Bartmann Says:

    This site rocks!

  11. GeneTinsley Says:

    Hey, I read a lot of blogs on a daily basis and for the most part, people lack substance but, I just wanted to make a quick comment to say GREAT blog!…..I”ll be checking in on a regularly now….Keep up the good work! 🙂

  12. Lora Brislin Says:

    Please contact me. I’ve read your story. It sounds sickenly like my own.

  13. Lora Brislin Says:

    By the way, PAS is commonly used, but when it does not apply, Mothers will find themselves labeled with a new buzz term. It’s called MBP, stands for Munchausens by Proxy, the definition states it to be a RARE disorder. Interesting how many mothers have now been “diagnosed” with this RARE disorder. Moms beware, when you have no criminal history, no mental history, don’t smoke, drink, or do drugs, don’t lie, cheat or steal, and try your best to live a clean, decent life, and adore your children, you will be labeled MBP, which is by the way, BS, and has been debunked in the country where it originated.

  14. evanlee21 Says:

    What I find so sickening is that, the victim of domestic abuse is demonized in court, and held to a different standard than the abuser.

    My children were taken because I showed fear of their father, and then I was accused of alienation for trying to protect them.

    FACTS that showed the father has a dangerous mental illness, a criminal record, a history of substance abuse and that both children “mysteriously” suffer from PTSD were completely ignored by the GAL and other family court staff.

    It makes me sick to hear stories like Lora, and others… This is wrong! Maybe I was knocked down in Family Court but I will never stop fighting for truth, and will do what I can to make a difference wherever I can.

    You are all in my prayers, Evanlee

  15. carla Says:

    Wow I am glas i found this site. I just got my kids from thier father and step mother. I let my kids live with thier father when we were divorced because i had no ware to go and I thought they would be better with him, 2 months after our divorce was finle, he married a woman who wanted my kids for her own. She abused them sexually, physically, emotionaly. I moved in with my ex husbands friend, she told him hey let the kids live here, so he did he left them with me, when the kids told me of the physical abuse from thier father and all thw abuse from thier step mother i took them to a domestic violence shelter. We went to court and the judge sent us to medeation… Oh great of corse he lied made him self sound loving and wonderful. I got sole phyisical custody of my 2 kids who are 10 and 8, but my ez gets visists with them for summer and christmas but it was stated in the court papers it has to be supervised untill the kids have gone through counceling and he is mad. he lives on the other side of the us from me. He calls and tells them he wants them for the summer and to come home. They start counceling this month. but my ex wont stop telling the kids he wants them and he has animals and horses for them. as far as his wife we dont know if they are still together or what. I dont want to get in trouble with family court, but I dont want them to go visit him…if I do i will never see them again. If he shows up in my town the town will run him out, but every time he calls the kids get confused and tell him they want to see him then when they hang up they cry, they dont want to visit, but the court ordred them to phone calls. I dont know what to do. I dont want them any were near him after I found out about the abuse..now my ex lives with another wommen and her kid. what the heck. My kids are on meds they cant sleep they have rage and mood swings, I am there wit them through all of this. This has to stand up some how in court if he trys anything.

  16. evanlee21 Says:

    My Ideas (This is not professional advise. — Consult an attorney or battered woman’s advocate for info on your specific situation).

    Keep a log of all phone calls and note the kid’s reactions. Note any changes the day after and document what you can. Especially keep an eye on their progress in school.

    Tell the counselor of your concerns. Be factual and to the point. Don’t denigrate or talk negative about your ex. S
    Maybe the counselor can be present for at least one phone call?? This may have to happen after the kids are comfortable with counselor.

    Seek a divorce or domestic violence support group for kids? Churches, Battered Women’s Shelters and Social Service Agencies may have a group for your kids.

    Get help or counseling for how to talk to your kids, and deal with their confusion.
    One thing I tell my kids is that I love them, and I understand that divocrce can be pretty confusing. I tell my kids its ok to have feelings for their father, and I will still love them if they do.

    Pick a day for some family time–just to hang out and have fun. You could play a game, go to a park, bake cookies, see a museum or work on an art project… It does not have to be expensive, the point is just to be together.

    Get some support for you! Find friends, support group or family to talk to when things get rough. And maybe make a plan if your kids need a break too and want to be with their friends or visit a favorite relative or want to go on a church retreat. Journaling also helps but if your kids are older, make sure to keep it in a safe place where it won’t be discovered.

    I hope this helps. I will keep you in my prayers.

    Evanlee

    Additional Info

    “Abusers Use the Court System to Continue Victimization” written by Gail Lakritz: http://uaadvminnesota.blogspot.com/

    “Understanding the Batterer In Custody and Visitation Disputes” by R. Lundy Bancroft: http://www.stopfamilyviolence.org/info/custody-abuse/overview/understanding-the-batterer-in-custody-and-visitation-disputes

  17. Debra Says:

    Hello!

    I am new to blogger, and have started a blog dedicated to educating and healing those touched by abuse of any kind. I am looking for sites to link to as additional resources for my readers. I really found your blog informative, and it addresses such practical issues for many survivors of abuse. I would llke to add a link to your blog on mine, if that is alright with you.

    Thanks,
    Debra Contreras

  18. Panther Says:

    Hi everybody! I do not know where to begin but hope this place will be useful for me. Thanks and good luck everyone! 😉

  19. Victoria Says:

    Your story is absolutely heart-breaking! I know it may not seem like it at times, and you may feel discouraged &; completely hopeless. But – there is always hope! I recently ended a three year battle with my ex husband. I had filed a restraining order to keep him away from me &; keep him from taking the kids out of the state. Shortly after doing this, he called child protective svs. and told them I was abusing &; neglecting my children. He even had my oldest son, (who is terrified of his father &; would do anything he asked) lie to the social workers to back up his story. One night the police arrived at my door with a CPS worker &; took my children. Words cannot describe the pain a mother feels! He even convinced them that I was a drug user (I have never done drugs), and wasn’t allowed even supervised visits until I went through an extensive psych exam, and random drug and alcohol testing, parenting classes, and so on… It was pure hell.
    To make a long story short – The social workers and courts finally started to see his ‘true colors’. It’s been a little over three years, and I once again have my children. – So, there is always hope. Never forget that.

    Many Blessings,
    ~V.

  20. tess Says:

    I love this site parentingabusedkids.wordpress.com. Lot of great information.

  21. nadia Says:

    I have understood and felt every word you have spoken, all I can say is that as your children get older they will see through the lies. As painful as it is time is a healer and being patient and staying strong through your faith will see you through.

  22. Anni Says:

    Wow! I really can’t believe all that I am hearing about the system in US (I live elsewhere).

    With such advanced understanding and social policy on domestic violence, why is it that the Family Court is so far behind the rest of society? If you had stayed with your abuser because of fear of him, the DV social workers and advocates would have called you co-dependent/ignorant/weak and the child protection workers would have deemed you unfit to protect your kids. Yet you do what you can to leave to protect yourself and the kids, and you are expected to have continued contact with an abuser out to crush you, or you are accused of alienation.

    Maybe people should really pressure the professionals at the head of feminist policies who are driving the changes for the safety of women, that unless the Family Court changes its modus operandi, just shut down the shelters and Dv crisis services and don’t even help women leave. It’s ludicrous even thinking about leaving when you have to face the mountain of the Family Court and lose the children you are out to protect and instead of continuing to live with the abuser, you send them to live with the abuser without any accountability.

  23. evanlee21 Says:

    Well said, Anni…and it’s all true.

  24. Health Juice Says:

    family counseling is sometimes needed because you cannot solve all your problems `.’

  25. Healing Says:

    I fought for my only son since he was born. I was married to someone who is emotionally disturbed. I was a victim of domestic violence. I left my home with my child. I took a protective order, I have files of documentation against my ex husband. Sometimes you have to go around the system. Attorneys get paid and disturbed men lie and get to be seen as victims. Never give up on your children, the system is corrupted. I went to court for nine years for different issues with my ex due to harrassment and lies. I had custody of my son for five and half years and then my ex threatned and endlessly among other things. Document, document and document, do not trust anyone, not your attorney, nor the judge, not the system, only yourself but study the laws of your state on your own and get your child.

  26. Vince Says:

    Great Website!

  27. Abraham Says:

    I located your blog using google and I must say, this is among the best well written articles I have viewed in a long time.

  28. Cynthia Says:

    This site has been very informative…..Thank you.

  29. Julie Says:

    The poor 4 sisters. Have you seen the latest. Their Dad says they are relaxing and happy but take a look at the reality. They are being kept prisoners behind locked gates with no method of communication and no money. He wants the media to go away because he does not want the world to see the truth. In reality he could listen to his girls and let them live in Australia. Please help and support these imprisoned girls!
    http://news.ninemsn.com.au/national/8544069/custody-sisters-beg-nine-reporter-for-help

  30. Lisa Says:

    Long long story short,.I lost my twin boys to my ex husband. We knew something was amiss but had no proof. Just recently we received a package with over 800 notes, phone conversations, emails and documentation including key officials names and dates these things occurred and why. These notes where from the Parent Coordinator, who by the way sued me for her entire bill of $3,000. They are unethical, unbiased , slanderous and some might even be considered illegal. She knowingly helped my ex even after stating numerous times in her notes that she was fearful he was a danger to himself of others and that he was fatalistic and etc. and only reporting this fear to his attorney. I want to report her to her licensing affiliates and everyone she is affiliated with. I know as a medical provider you are mandated to report such findings to the proper authorities. I want her medical license taken away as mine would be if I showed my patients such malaise and neglect. I have already filled out the forms for the Judicial Grievance Committee on his attorney as per these documents, he committed numerous unethical and probably illegal things to help his client. I want him to feel what it feels like to be powerless over your future and lose all your financial security and the reputation, as he did to us as he contacted and interfered with my new husbands Navy career and our base housing. What I would like to know from you all is if any of you know where to report the PC to. The court house can not do anything about her actions because she is not an employee of the court, yet they order us to use her. The grievance committee also cant do anything because she is not a lawyer. There is no real parent coordinator program set up in Maryland that I know of. So if anyone here knows of a way to start this process so as to reunite the twin boys with their biological 4 sisters ( who he has no legal , physical custody or visitation of because he abused them, Yes he was found guilty 4 times and protective orders were granted. ) I would be so extremely grateful. I would also like to know if anyone knows where I can take this evidence I have received involving many court appointed officials. I can be reached at blessedby6@msn.com.
    Many blessings and prayers to you and your children that all the wrongs will be right. Stay strong and true to your cause.


  31. Parenting Coordination is a racket created by some of the groups who help run many of the family courts (AFCC by name), it happened within the last decade or so. A woman from Oklahoma contacted me on a blog the other day, and it turned out the therapist was working out o an office with the parent coordinator, who was running up bills.

    I have a least four posts on how it was set up state to state, but they may pre-date the table of contents on the blog (however, they are searchable).

    AFCC is properly understood as a trade association (nonprofit) which works nationally and internationally, and the membership have particular beliefs, and seek to recruit and evangelize others into these beliefs, few of which are favorable to natural or biological mothers in a custody situation.

    They also have a history of tax evasion as a corporation, operating openly out of courthouses, or positions of power. It’s not likely to win an argument on the subject matter with this situation, but objective evidence of improper billings (which would come from other sources) might speak louder or make a difference.

    I’ve been involved in the courts for many years and am a survivor of DV who experienced mid-stream overnight custody switch, without the involvement of a parent coordinator, or anything. My ex simply refused to return our daughters on an overnight visitation, — it was forced in to mediation (law enforcement didn’t help and were apparently making a play to put them into foster care or bring in CPS, without any evidence of abuse) — end of story, almost. It was a few years later I discovered there are grants to promote disrupting families by these types of custody switching.

    The AFCC has wealthy backers (private philanthropies) and one source of information on their activities can be found in back issues of their newsletters. I learned recently that right while I was getting established and so happy to be in a violence-free situation, and stabilized, they were collaborating to run more of these “access/visitation” grants right in my area.

    In Pennsylvania, Parent Coordination was up and running (one of the women involved in the Lackawanna situation, Ann Marie Termini, was heavily involved) — but it was suddenly administratively shut down (ruled out of existence). Parents were litigating in protest. There’s a link to this on sidebar of my blog (which is very long and full of links and info — but it’s there under pages, I think, or blogroll).

    It’s the collaboration between Judges / GALs / PC’s etc…. and that activity in re: program funding for certain of these federal grants to the states, that might bear looking at. Maryland has the UBaltimore School of Law (Barbara Babb at their “CFCC) going on, and it no doubt has some influence. S he’s straight AFCC policy (look at the CV linked on the site).

    I’m sure you must be very busy and hope the comment wasn’t too much, but anyhow, FYI…. Another commenter on this blog “rj” (randijames) knows me from some years back and is familiar with my approach focusing on the court-connected corporations and these grants, etc.

  32. EJ Perth Says:

    Let’s Get Honest.. Thanks for your thoughtful commentary and insights on family court. It sounds like you have been through alot, and used learning about the funding of family court, and it’s “players” as a form of advocacy.
    That being said, PAK does our best to respect all voices, opinions and perspectives. We generally do not support or endorse one individual or group but value all opinions in the spirit of working together to protect families, and work toward family court reform.
    You mentioned some specific people and organizations in your comment, some who are anti-abuse or family court reform advocates. I would encourage you to talk to those people or groups directly with your concerns. As PAK is a public forum, meant for open discussion, sometimes things are said but let’s try to be respectful so everyone feels welcome. We are just not set up that kind of debate on this site.


  33. To blogger. I’ve copied this comment. If it’s too offensive to publish, then just don’t, but please leave my other, informative (with links) ones in place. You never know who it may help, and considerable effort was put into writing them. Thanks, “Let’s Get Honest.”

    (follow up Jan 15, as I was drawn back to this site searching for a specific phrase; found it was my own comments on another post herein).

    Please identify, specifically (other than mentioning names of groups) which I have done, anything I said which was disrespectful, slanderous, or untrue about any individual or group above. Is it disrespectful to disagree, naming names and identifying behaviors. Am I allowed to use precise language in doing so?

    If not, is there a purpose behind subtly pressuring me (and readers) not to be outspoken about what they have found, and have provided links to document as not just personal opinion?

    re:
    “You mentioned some specific people and organizations in your comment, some who are anti-abuse or family court reform advocates. ”

    People and groups can declare who or what they are (that’s freedom of expression) and likewise, there are ways to look at any group’s fiscal and corporate identity, and who is funding them, to find out whose voices might be behind the rhetoric. Anyone who would like to learn the hard way (lose your children THEN realize there are federal grants to facilitate this happening at the local level which anti-abuse groups “forgot” to mention) is also welcome to.

    The behavior of some groups in censoring, or side-lining highly relevant information about the evolving courts, and backing of certain groups, I would not consider respectful, or “in the spirit of working together.”

    As to us all working together for family court reform — as in any move to reform anything, there is not uniformity of how to do it, or agreement on what should be done. We are talking a court system that stretches across the USA and is active in probably almost every single county in every single state.

    Suppose I were right? Suppose certain groups or individuals who want to reform the court, are quite vocal about it, and put up multiple websites, run conferences, etc., have in fact censored fundamental information and systematically attempted to derail discussions about it, in an effort to become consultants for the next round of trainings on “how to recognize domestic violence” or similar things?

    I have a post called “A Different Kind of Attention Develops Sound Judgment”
    http://wp.me/psBXH-2qM I’m talking about attention to corporate and fiscal behavior, and timing of certain events. When you look these things up, you simply have more (and more concrete than self-reporting or hearsay, or personal subjective feelings) about group (or nonprofit organization) behavior, size and influence or desired influence. Yes, its an entirely different way of looking at things.

    If a group has little funds and is not filing its tax returns, but sidles up year after year to a $100 million tax-exempt and continues recommending women attend conferences there, send in their stories (etc.) while continuing silent on information that we now KNOW that they know — is that commendable behavior? Should I just be real pleasant and nice about it, and not name names? Some might just be counting on that, while circles of influence continue to expand.

    I have put together several (not just one) blog, all under extreme duress and sometimes while in the middle of a court battle. I’m involved in one right now, and a lot hangs on the outcome, and I have no attorney and no funds for one. Like many people, over the course of many years (in this case, 15) not ONE charge has stuck, and no one has even called out “abuse.” But somehow, the negative events continued happening to three generations of my family line, inspired by siblings and ex-batterer, and facilitated by the courts. This produces ongoing income for some and takes it away from others. I think it’s quite fair to talk about who’s trying to keep the discussion OFF that process, and from specifically identifying groups that are involved.

    How can you reform what isn’t even named or known about?

    _________
    I’m not endorsing any group or individual. I am asking people to accept that there may be sources of information they have not considered in evaluating (which is advised) any advocacy group, or policies they are being encouraged to endorse. This is explained better on my blog (http://familycourtmatters.wordpress.com) which has approximately 200,000 visitors and has over 600 posts, individually researched and written over a six-year period. I make it available for free knowing many people involved in the courts can’t afford to pay, although there is a donate button. I have found that women can be great support to each other, but also engaged in “closed-corporation” behaviors. In a custody case which is moving rapidly forward (even if it’s in litigation for years, it can change in a moment), the more one understands about the dynamics of the court systems, the better the odds are going to be. Walking in naked and innocent, or aware that it’s a volatile situation, but not knowing where the economic clout is coming from, I do not advise.

    Thank you for your kindness in allowing this to be said, and let us all work together in keeping things honest, as parents (and I like to say particularly mothers) ought to know is so important. In my opinion, courtesy counts, but honesty is not optional.


  34. To EJ Perth (blog owner) response above 6/23/2014: I’ve copied this comment. If it’s too offensive to publish, then just don’t, but please leave my other, informative (with links) ones in place. You never know who it may help, and considerable effort was put into writing them. Thanks, “Let’s Get Honest.” Also, I won’t be submitting more lengthy comments, I’ve left the main link near the bottom of this post.

    (Follow up Jan 15, as I was drawn back to this site searching for a specific phrase; found it was my own comments on another post herein).

    Please identify, specifically (other than mentioning names of groups) which I have done, anything I said which was disrespectful, slanderous, or untrue about any individual or group above. Is it disrespectful to disagree, naming names and identifying behaviors. Am I allowed to use precise language in doing so?

    If not, is there a purpose behind subtly pressuring me (and readers) not to be outspoken about what they have found, and have provided links to document as not just personal opinion?

    re:
    “You mentioned some specific people and organizations in your comment, some who are anti-abuse or family court reform advocates. ”

    People and groups can declare who or what they are (that’s freedom of expression) and likewise, there are ways to look at any group’s fiscal and corporate identity, and who is funding them, to find out whose voices might be behind the rhetoric. Anyone who would like to learn the hard way (lose your children THEN realize there are federal grants to facilitate this happening at the local level which anti-abuse groups “forgot” to mention) is also welcome to.

    The behavior of some groups in censoring, or side-lining highly relevant information about the evolving courts, and backing of certain groups, I would not consider respectful, or “in the spirit of working together.”

    As to us all working together for family court reform — as in any move to reform anything, there is not uniformity of how to do it, or agreement on what should be done. We are talking a court system that stretches across the USA and is active in probably almost every single county in every single state.

    Suppose I were right? Suppose certain groups or individuals who want to reform the court, are quite vocal about it, and put up multiple websites, run conferences, etc., have in fact censored fundamental information and systematically attempted to derail discussions about it, in an effort to become consultants for the next round of trainings on “how to recognize domestic violence” or similar things?

    I have a post called “A Different Kind of Attention Develops Sound Judgment”
    http://wp.me/psBXH-2qM I’m talking about attention to corporate and fiscal behavior, and timing of certain events. When you look these things up, you simply have more (and more concrete than self-reporting or hearsay, or personal subjective feelings) about group (or nonprofit organization) behavior, size and influence or desired influence. Yes, its an entirely different way of looking at things.
    _______
    If a group has little funds and is not filing its tax returns, but sidles up year after year to a $100 million tax-exempt and continues recommending women attend conferences there, send in their stories (etc.) while continuing silent on information that we now KNOW that they know — is that commendable behavior? Should I just be real pleasant and nice about it, and not name names? Some might just be counting on that, while circles of influence continue to expand. As a rule, any nonprofit has a tax return (or should) and those tax returns tell who’s funding them. It’s going to be either government, or private, or both. It’s going to be large or small. And there are also indicators (not hearsay) of whether it’s honest or dishonest in filing.
    __________
    Groups that have little funds and big mouths function that way for a reason. When the same are referring people to well-funded groups, and not disclosing the close relationships, that’s a problem; and we do indeed have the problem among advocacy groups pushing for court reform. I have done and posted the homework, anyone can look, and prove or disprove (or, ignore it). However, I don’t see how ignoring it is going to help small children or stop abuse.
    _______

    I have put together several (not just one) blog, all under extreme duress and sometimes while in the middle of a court battle. I’m involved in one right now, and a lot hangs on the outcome, and I have no attorney and no funds for one. Like many people, over the course of many years (in this case, 15) not ONE charge has stuck, and no one has even called out “abuse.” But somehow, the negative events continued happening to three generations of my family line, inspired by siblings and ex-batterer, and facilitated by the courts. This produces ongoing income for some and takes it away from others. I think it’s quite fair to talk about who’s trying to keep the discussion OFF that process, and from specifically identifying groups that are involved.

    How can you reform what isn’t even named or known about?
    _________
    So, I’m not endorsing any group or individual. I am asking people to accept that there may be sources of information they have not considered in evaluating (which is advised) any advocacy group, or policies they are being encouraged to endorse, and to explain that such groups do indeed recruit through email group lists and otherwise, and particularly outside the home state, and I happen to share a home state with some of the more active ones. I also look up and read their tax returns, and know when someone was sponsored, and show how and why it’s a good idea to make it a habit, if possible, to do this, for an awareness of what may be the real agenda behind the solicitation. (I said “may” not “is.” It’s a judgment call)
    ________

    This is explained better on my blog. (http://familycourtmatters.wordpress.com) which has approximately 200,000 visitors and has over 600 posts, individually researched and written over a six-year period. I make it available for free knowing many people involved in the courts can’t afford to pay, although there is a donate button. I have found that women can be great support to each other, but also engaged in “closed-corporation” behaviors. In a custody case which is moving rapidly forward (even if it’s in litigation for years, it can change in a moment), the more one understands about the dynamics of the court systems, the better the odds are going to be. Walking in naked and innocent, or aware that it’s a volatile situation, but not knowing where the economic clout is coming from, I do not advise.

    Thank you for your kindness in allowing this to be said, and let us all work together in keeping things honest, as parents (and I like to say particularly mothers) ought to know is so important. In my opinion, courtesy counts, but honesty is not optional. I am very sad about the current state of the courts, but consistent exposure DOES make a difference. There’s not really time to spare and getting to the heart of these matters, and I believe it’s OK to make choices.

    People who have already been victimized should not be forced to get alone with everyone else, including in the advocacy field (that can become a tool of abuse also, just more subtle). We have earned the right to discriminate as best possible and protect ourselves, and others if possible also, by talking about how it happened.

  35. EJ Perth Says:

    Let’s Get Honest:

    Sorry for the delay in posting your comment, for some reason it went into the spam box.

    I am sorry if I offended you. Let me clarify: Parenting Abused Kids (PAK) was originally created to give voice to parents who are parenting children who have been abused, to offer resources and support. As PAK grew, the blog branched out into other related areas– such as parenting while dealing with family court battles, exposing corrupt judges and court officials, and sharing stories of parents and others working to make needed changes in the system.

    That being said, PAK is rather limited in it’s scope– to give information, to provide support and to offer resources.

    Let’s Get Honest, your points are valid, and deserve discussion. However, PAK is not set up to allow discussion, PAK does not include a venue for both sides to share and it does not have a way to validate information or allegations. What I meant to say is that PAK is not set up to handle the topics you are discussing. Given the seriousness of these allegations you raise- they deserve time, attention and fact checking that I cannot do here. The other parties involved should also be given a chance to respond, and PAK is not a proper venue for that.

    Thank you for sharing the link to your blog. It is unfortunate that some involved in the advocacy field become a “tool of abuse” and have caused trauma, and harm to people already victimized by systemic failures and corruption. I believe also that this should be exposed, and if those in the advocacy field have proven to act unethically, unprofessionally or have engaged in abusive behavior or allied with the corruption they need to be held accountable. I have seen similar abuse happening, and it is very concerning because it encourages abuse and bullying, and ultimately harms and hinders the progress of the family court reform movement as a whole.

    RE: People who have already been victimized should not be forced to get alone with everyone else, including in the advocacy field (that can become a tool of abuse also, just more subtle). We have earned the right to discriminate as best possible and protect ourselves, and others if possible also, by talking about how it happened.

    Let’s Get Honest if you want to share info about your work or raise awareness, I am not against that but I am sorry to say, the PAK blog is just not the best place for that because this blog lacks the format to support those efforts. I do not mean or intend to disregard the importance of your work.

    Please let us know how things are going. Maybe a short intro with a link back to your own blog–which is created to tackle these issues–would be an option?

    Best, EJ Perth

Leave a Reply - All comments are public - Please use an anon name if needed, and omit identifying information. Thanks!

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s