Separation from your child is painful–whatever the situation. Writing letters to your child is a creative way to maintain your relationship and stay involved in your child’s life.
I began writing letters to my children to keep in touch with my children, and maintain our relationship as best I could. As a primary caregiver it was very difficult – and painful – to be separated from my children due to an unjust court order.
You may have to request that you be allowed to send letters to your children through the court, and it is important to follow all the rules or expectations placed on you. If you are involved with family court, CPS, or are receiving assistance through a social service agency, I would advise you to keep copies of all correspondence sent to your child. I am not qualified to offer legal advice, for those kinds of questions or concerns, it would be best to seek additional help or counsel.
What I can do is write letters. I send my letters once a week, and do my best to let my children know I love them–and to give them a semblance of stability despite all the chaos in our lives.
Here are some ideas on how to create fun, meaningful letters to your child:
The letter you write is like a photograph–it will capture a moment in time, an image or an expression that is passed on to your child. Your letter is a gift. The quality of the letter is more important than the “quantity”; becareful on how you convey your message, avoid sending money and gifts (outside of a holiday, birthday or special event) as this creates as expectation that you may not be able to support long term. The most important part of your letter is the meaning you convey–and how the letter nurtures your relationship to your child.
* Write your letter when you are calm, upbeat and feeling good. The letter should convey your love and care for your child–and should be age appropriate.
Do not send a letter to your child that reflects agitation, fear, anger or other negative emotions. Similarily, do not include in your letters negative comments, remarks or sarcasm about the child’s guardian/parent or living situation. If you find that writing letters is triggering strong emotions, seek support or help. Those emotions are understandable, but should not be passed onto a child.
* Create a positive environment for writing your letter–turn on your favorite music, light a candle, take time to connect with pictures or objects (toys, books, things they made, etc) that remind you of your child, pray, take a walk, etc. It may be hard, especially at first, to write. You may be struggling with emotions or on the verge of tears (I have been there myself!). By creating a positive environment, you are putting aside those emotions and/or stressors so you can focus on your child, and convey a message that is both meaningful and supportive.
* Send the letters consistently (ie on holidays, weekly, monthly, etc). You may also consider using stamps that are cute or fun, or using decorative envelopes.
* Consider poetry! Poetry is a fun, and expressive way of communicating to your child. You may want to send a humorous, or age appropriate poem for your child. Nursery rhymes are also great.
Try an acrostic poem: write your child’s name on a piece of paper, and for each letter of the name write something descriptive, funny or memorable about your child.
This link creates a “Name Poem” for your child. It’s really cool, and a great way to let your child know you care. When you visit the link, you answer a few questions and type it into a blank field. When you are all done, you click a button to generate your poem then print:
http://ettcweb.lr.k12.nj.us/forms/_vti_bin/shtml.dll/namepoem.htm
Online Poetry for Children (Various Subjects):
http://www.poetry-online.org/childrens_poetry_resource_index.htm
* Send cartoons, comic strips or newspaper articles. Find subjects your child may be interested in and clip articles. Or clip articles that talk about places you have visited. Thrift stores and garage sales are a great place to find articles or magazines for children.
* Send pictures. The pictures could include you, your children, your friends, your family members, or things your children are interested in (animals, places, celebrities, etc).
* Create a letter with pictures. This works well if your child is young and does not read very well. Draw pictures on the letter to tell a story, or clip pictures from magazines.
* Give your child positive affirmations. It is so important to let your child know that you love them, and that you care. Affirmations boost self esteem, make you feel better and provide hope. You may also include prayers, Scriptures or other messages that are a part of your family, traditions or spiritual beliefs. For example, fortune cookies are a form of affirmations.
“The Children Lights” site gives information on how affirmations work, why they are importnat to a child’s development and includes tips on how to create affirmations: Affirmations are positive statements about who we are, and what we can become and experience…The key in using affirmations effectively is to have them evoke positive emotions within us.”
http://www.childrenlights.com/Articles/article_empowering_children_affirmations.htm
* Send postcards from new or unusual places.
* Send jokes, riddles or “Mad Libs”.
Aha Jokes is a great site to get jokes for kids on a variety of topics: http://www.ahajokes.com/animal_jokes_for_kids.html
* Send Autographs. Send your child autographs from friends, family, pets (include pictures of animals or paw prints) or if you are lucky–from a celebrity. You may consider including letters from others within your own letter.
Any More Ideas??? Post them Below!
March 15, 2009 at 5:46 pm
What a helpful article! We have a section for articles if you have an interest. Divorce Recovery Suite
November 18, 2010 at 3:17 am
Thank you very much for the advice. My Lord I have the exact same circumstance,Im too scared to write to my children as I know that he will use anything against me. I have been putting it off for the last few yrs. I have tried to sit down and write to them but my mind seems to freeze. I panic and then get depressed.I really dont know what to do anymore.
SCARED.
November 20, 2010 at 4:35 am
As much as you are scared, and have a right to be… there are certain things that may help:
* Don’t talk about court or custody or legal issues
* Don’t talk negative about the ex, or anything related to him (his family, friends, job, lifestyle, etc)
* Don’t question your kids about things related to the court or the ex, etc
* Keep the focus on your children, and keep the letters positive
* If you are afraid of what to say, try writing a shorter letter…Let your kids know you love them, you are thinking about them, etc You could also include: crossword puzzles, stickers, coloring pages, child-friendly poems, jokes/riddles, photos and kid friendly magazine articles
* Be consistent in your writing, it will help your kids feel more secure and over time, will strengthen your bond
* If you are really unsure about your letter, have someone else read it BEFORE you send it and get some feedback
* When you write a letter, make sure you keep a copy for yourself
I hope this helps!
EJ
September 16, 2015 at 6:41 pm
Reblogged this on FAMILY COURT FEMMES FIGHTING CORRUPTION and commented:
I cry with you. Going on three and a half years with no meaningful contact whatsoever–Houston, Texas (Harris and Brazoria Counties); no phonecalls, no gifts, no findings of fact or conclusions of law, custody switched without any notice or hearing; fighting in federal court as my case does not arise from a divorce–the usual suspects. See also julian’s justice journal on wordpress.com and the real mommies and daddies of the real america, and our children who want to come home. I am so sorry. In the end, we win. We are just enduring war time conflicts and hostilities, yet that Americans in secret, sustainable meetings failed to warn us about–Keep Standing Strong, but I know you will because I have followed and taken comfort in your blog for quite some time now.
September 18, 2015 at 3:38 am
Family Court Femmes ~ Thank you for your thoughtful reply. There are no words to describe what it is like to enter a courtroom that is truly lawless, and to be powerless as you are subjected to further abuse and trauma in proceedings that unfairly remove custody from a fit, loving parent in favor of an abusive or unfit parent. The children are always hurt, and their “best interest” is lost in politics, game playing and corruption.
I agree – parents, concerned family members, and other interested parties hold a real power, and ability to effect reform and needed change when working together. I also agree with you that no matter how bad things get, keep standing strong – that in itself, is a victory.
I have read julien’s blog there is alot of great articles there, and some insight from a fellow family court warrior.
Sending love and prayers to you, and all parents who are standing strong!
xo
EJ