Separation from your child is painful–whatever the situation.  Writing letters  to your child is a creative way to maintain your relationship and stay involved in your child’s life.

You may have to request that you be allowed to send letters to your children through the court, and it is important to follow all the rules or expectations placed on you.  If you are involved with family court, CPS, or are receiving assistance through a social service agency, I would advise you to keep copies of all correspondance sent to your child. I am not qualified to offer legal advice, for those kinds of questions or concerns, it would be best to seek additional help or counsel.

I began writing letters to my children after being unfairly labeled with “Parental Alienation Syndrome” (PAS).  The label was given to me by my abuser and a biased guardian ad litem–no doctor, psychologist or other professional has ever found my behavior or conduct to have harmed my children. I was even examined by a court appointed psychologist, who in her extensive testing, found no evidence of PAS. She did, however, find that I am fearful and anxious due to years of abuse at the hands of my ex husband. After fleeing my home, my ex husband began to harass me, and told me that if I didn’t do what he wanted that he would make up stories and take the children from me. I didn’t believe such a thing was possible–and not in America. How wrong I was! My husband and his vindictive parents waged a lengthy, and expensive legal battle against me resulting in a ruling where I lost all legal rights to my children–who I believe are not safe with their father. The reason why I lost my children is that I was told that it is wrong for me to be afraid of my abuser, and that my fear and anxiety is “alienating” the children from their father. Not only did I loose all legal rights but my contact with my children is severly limited. Family court has made efforts to “reprogram” me through parenting classes where abused women are forced to co-parent with their abusers for “the best interests of the children”. I have been ordered into therapy–not to deal with the effects of domestic abuse but to work through some unknown mental illness that has suddenly appeared at the onset of custody litigation. When I began to voice concerns in therapy about past abuse and the behavior of court personnel, I was told that I need more therapy–to date, I have undergone almost 2 years of therapy and several parenting classes (over a year’s worth), and still fail to satisfy the court’s requirements. My abuser was never ordered into therapy,  though he has an extensive criminal history and was found by the court psychologist to be suffering from personality disorder.

My abuser now has complete control over when or if I see my children, if we have any verbal exchange–and continues to harass me exerting his court appointed power over me.  I get phone calls from the children, only when he allows–and often the phone calls occur at unexpected or odd hours. I carry my cell phone close to me at all times, afraid I might miss that one time my children are allowed to call. I can only see my children in a supervised setting, or at times when my abuser allows me more time–again subject to his whims, and conveinance (ie if supervised visitation is not occuring at a time he likes, he will invite me to an event outside of the visitation). My abuser is also using my children to send messages to me–my children told me that “Daddy is praying for you.” I told my children “That’s nice, it’s good to pray.” My children said to me, “No Mommy, Daddy is praying for you at church that you get back together.” It’s a nightmare–and I do what I can to maintain my connection to the children, and to try to preserve their innocence as much as possible.

What I can do is write letters. I send my letters once a week, and do my best to let my children know I love them–and to give them a semblance of stability despite all the chaos in our lives.

Here are some ideas on how to create fun, meaningful letters to your child:

The letter you write is like a photograph–it will capture a moment in time, an image or an expression that is passed on to your child. Your letter is a gift. The quality of the letter is more important than the “quantity”; becareful on how you convey your message, avoid sending money and gifts (outside of a holiday, birthday or special event) as this creates as expectation that you may not be able to support long term. The most important part of your letter is the meaning you convey–and how the letter nurtures your relationship to your child.

* Write your letter when you are calm, upbeat and feeling good. The letter should convey your love and care for your child–and should be age appropriate.

 Do not send a letter to your child that reflects agitation, fear, anger or other negative emotions.  Similarily, do not include in your letters negative comments, remarks or sarcasm about the child’s guardian/parent or living situation. If you find that writing letters is triggering strong emotions, seek support or help. Those emotions are understandable, but should not be passed onto a child.

* Create a positive environment for writing your letter–turn on your favorite music, light a candle, take time to connect with pictures or objects (toys, books, things they made, etc) that remind you of your child, pray, take a walk, etc. It may be hard, especially at first, to write. You may be struggling with emotions or on the verge of tears (I have been there myself!). By creating a positive environment, you are putting aside those emotions and/or stressors so you can focus on your child, and convey a message that is both meaningful and supportive.

* Send the letters consistently (ie on holidays, weekly, monthly, etc). You may also consider using stamps that are cute or fun, or using decorative envelopes.

* Consider poetry! Poetry is a fun, and expressive way of communicating to your child. You may want to send a humorous, or age appropriate poem for your child. Nursery rhymes are also great.

Try an acrostic poem: write your child’s name on a piece of paper, and for each letter of the name write something descriptive, funny or memorable about your child.

This link creates a “Name Poem” for your child. It’s really cool, and a great way to let your child know you care. When you visit the link, you answer a few questions and type it  into a blank field. When you are all done, you click a button to generate your poem then print:

http://ettcweb.lr.k12.nj.us/forms/_vti_bin/shtml.dll/namepoem.htm

Online Poetry for Children (Various Subjects):

 http://www.poetry-online.org/childrens_poetry_resource_index.htm

* Send cartoons, comic strips or newspaper articles. Find subjects your child may be interested in and clip articles. Or clip articles that talk about places you have visited. Thrift stores and garage sales are a great place to find articles or magazines for children.

* Send pictures. The pictures could include you, your children, your friends, your family members, or things your children are interested in (animals, places, celebrities, etc).

* Create a letter with pictures. This works well if your child is young and does not read very well. Draw pictures on the letter to tell a story, or clip pictures from magazines.

* Give your child positive affirmations. It is so important to let your child know that you love them, and that you care.  Affirmations boost self esteem, make you feel better and provide hope. You may also include prayers, Scriptures or other messages that are a part of your family, traditions or spiritual beliefs. For example, fortune cookies are a form of affirmations.

“The Children Lights” site gives information on how affirmations work, why they are importnat to a child’s development and includes tips on how to create affirmations: Affirmations are positive statements about who we are, and what we can become and experience…The key in using affirmations effectively is to have them evoke positive emotions within us.”

http://www.childrenlights.com/Articles/article_empowering_children_affirmations.htm

* Send postcards from new or unusual places.

* Send jokes, riddles or “Mad Libs”.  

Aha Jokes is a great site to get jokes for kids on a variety of topics: http://www.ahajokes.com/animal_jokes_for_kids.html

* Send Autographs. Send your child autographs from friends, family, pets (include pictures of animals or paw prints) or if you are lucky–from a celebrity. You may consider including letters from others within your own letter.

Any More Ideas??? Post them Below!

:) Evanlee