Maryland: Guardian ad Litems Held Accountable

It seems like common sense that a Guardian ad Litem (GAL) is held legally accountable for their actions, especially those that harm or endanger the child they are supposed to be representing. Sadly, this is rarely the case.

In my case, the Guardian ad Litem (GAL) has not only been biased but blatantly ignored the safety of my children. The GAL refused to gather information (police reports, doctor reports,  home visits, etc) , refused to question witnesses, ignored statements by the children and has come up with “evidence” based on her own ignorant conclusions. In a stunning case of logic, my GAL has declared that since my abusive ex-husband has a “house, a job, and a car” that he is no threat to me! My GAL’s reports are often late, have inaccuracies in them and at times she has simply failed to gather needed information (and went to court without it, even testifying before a judge). That this is the person supposed to represent my children’s best interests is simply unacceptable.

I can share so many horror stories about my Guardian ad Litem…  I have reverted to survival tactics I used with my abusive ex-husband now with the GAL. I keep silent. I avoid eye contact. I try to go unnoticed. I put a positive spin on even the worst situation. And I cry unheard tears.

The Guardian ad Litem seems to have unlimited power and expertise.

In my case, the GAL has gone way beyond her position…she seems to always have the answer (must be psychic!) even if she has not gathered any information or is not knowledgeable about a subject. My GAL has advocated for my abusive ex husband by offering him legal advise, granting him priveleges I am denied, and making excuses for his bad behavior (or telling me that my children are lying or exagerating when their reports about their father are unfavorable to her cause).

The word of the Guardian ad Litem is taken as truth in court. Their actions and conclusions are rarely, if ever questioned or assessed for accuracy.  In case when parents have been stripped of their legal rights, or forced to share legal rights with an abuser, it is nearly impossible to get a second opinion. A second opinion will usually be viewed with scorn and skepticism. Dr. Gardner, the inventor of Parental Alienation Syndrome, has boldy delcared that mothers manipulate psychologists and other professionals to support them–and such people should not be believed. It is nearly impossible to request a new GAL, and there may be repercussions for doing so. Parents are forced into silence because in speaking out they face retribution or worse, losing custody of their children.

Here we can anonymously speak out…tell our stories…in hopes someone will listen, and join us in fighting for change in the family court system, and in fighting for better lives for our children.

I encourage you, leave your story in the comments section below. Or if you have a link or resource to help fight against family court injustice, leave it below. We can’t give up–our children’s lives are at risk.

Evanlee, 2009.

 This was forwarded to me…

 

GAL/Minor’s counsel does not have immunity for actions that cause child harm

January 18, 2006

Maryland Court of Appeals Fox v. Wills

http://www.unitedforjustice. com/Mdcourtappeals.htm

 

In a precedent setting opinion, the Maryland Court of Appeals ruled that counsel appointed on behalf of a minor is not an arm of the court.  He or she has a duty to the child and does not have immunity from tort liability for actions that cause harm to the child.

The attorney, Vincent Wills, was appointed by the court to represent a young girl, K., as a guardian ad litem (GAL) during her parents’ divorce. Following judgment in the divorce case, Elizabeth Ritter, the child’s mother, filed a suit on her daughter’s behalf charging Wills with legal malpractice. It was alleged that Wills abdicated his responsibilities as counsel for the child, that he did not act in accordance with K.’s best interests, and that he was in fact an advocate for the child’s father who was suspected of sexually abusing Katherine. The complaint further alleged that Wills ignored the trial court’s orders in that he failed to ensure that the child’s father was supervised during visitation, that he failed to ensure that Katherine was placed in a car seat when transported during visitations, that he failed to address the issue of the father’s inappropriate touching of Katherine, and that he failed to address the numerous reports of the father’s inappropriate exhibitions of anger in front of Katherine. The complaint also alleged that Wills deliberately prevented evidence of child sexual abuse from coming before the court by suppressing and distorting the report of a psychological expert appointed by the court to evaluate the claims of abuse. The report had advised against unsupervised visitation between the child and her father. Wills filed a motion to dismiss the complaint, arguing that, because of his position as counsel for the child under Maryland Family Law Article § 1-202, he was functioning on behalf of and for the benefit of the court and was thus entitled to “absolute quasi-judicial immunity.” Alternatively, Wills argued that, even if he were not entitled to “absolute quasi-judicial immunity,” he was entitled to “qualified immunity,” and that the allegations of the complaint were insufficient to show the malice needed to overcome qualified immunity. The Circuit Court granted the motion to dismiss, stating “that there is clearly privilege here or immunity, whether it is qualified or quasi-judicial. ” The plaintiff appealed, and the Court of Special Appeals also affirmed. The Maryland Supreme Court reversed holding that an attorney appointed to represent a child in a divorce case is “is not by statute or rule rendered any more ‘an arm of the court’ than other Maryland attorneys.”

 

Jersey Protestors Rally Against Family Court Injustice

A rally of more than 50 people gathered in Newwark to protect bias, abuse and injustice in the family court system. The protestors argued that there is a crisis in family court that perpetuates abuse, and puts children in harm’s way by denying mothers of their legal rights and awarding custody to violent, abusive fathers

Source: New Jersey Real Time News, http://www.nj.com/

Paul Brubacker/The Star Ledger

Web Address: http://www.nj.com/news/index.ssf/2009/04/newark_protesters_rally_agains.html#post

Date: April 27, 2009

A rally of more than 50 people gathered in front of the Wilentz Justice Complex on Washington Street (Newark) to protect bias, abuse and injustice in the family court system. The protestors argued that there is a crisis in family court that perpetuates abuse, and puts children in harm’s way by denying mothers of their legal rights and awarding custody to violent, abusive fathers. The protestors further argued that the custody decisions are based on bias, and often ignore or dismiss entirely allegations of abuse.

  Evan Stark, a professor at Rutgers University’s School of Public Affairs and Administration comments that, “In the last 30 years, every institution in this society has changed its views toward domestic violence…Only in the family court do the obsolete beliefs that were discredited everywhere else in society still prevail.”

Supporters of the family court system contend the system is fair, and that judges do their best to make fair rulings, often involving tough decisions, when parents cannot agree on who will raise the children.

Personally, I believe the truth is evident within the court proceedings themselves. The treatment of both parties by family court staff, the way the evidence is handled, and the logic behind the court’s conclusions speak volumes about what is really happening.

Take Action! Leave a comment about your experiences with famiy court, or your concerns for your children, at the bottom of this article

FACT (Families Against Court Travesties): “The parent with the most money, power, and influence is somehow able to convince judges that only their side need be heard in order to make a decision…To make matters worse, throughout the country, women are losing custody of their children to men with histories of child abuse and domestic violence. These men know how to manipulate the judicial system.”

NOW developed FACTS, a Court Watch system with volunteers who observe courtroom proceedings, review the behavior of the judges and attorneys, and plan actions to address this crisis.  Visit online to see how you can help: http://www.factscourtwatch.org/

 

“In family court, the standard of proof is on a balance of probabilities, which means that one person’s story is more likely to be true than the other person’s story…Unfortunately many of the people involved in family law and court — judges, lawyers, court clerks, mediators and others — have no appropriate training in violence against women, so they do not always recognize it or know the best way to respond. The law and processes also do not reflect the realities and needs of women from marginalized communities as well.”,  Family Law Overview by Pamela Cross LLB.  Springtide Resources Legal Fact Sheet: http://www.springtideresources.org/resources/show.cfm?id=218

 

Center for Judicial Excellence Spring/Summer Events

Join CJE in Sacramento! Center for Judicial Excellence CJE Supporters, We’re writing to encourage you to please join us at three Sacramento events during the next month.

If you plan to attend, please call Steve Burdo at 415-261-4784 or email to sb@centerforjudicialexcellence.org    to RSVP.

NEXT WEEK Assembly Judiciary Committee Hearing – AB 612 (Child Custody: Non-Scientific Theories)

WHEN: Tuesday, April 28th 9:00am

WHERE: State Capitol Building, Room 4202

*Carpool will leave Marin County at 7:00am – Call Steve at 415-261-4784 if you would like a ride, or for more details

The psychologists and attorneys that are making tons of money off of Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS) will certainly be there to oppose this bill, so we need as many people as possible to attend this hearing. Come support Assemblyman Jim Beall and AB 612!

We have a lobby day planned following the hearing. Please RSVP as soon as possible so we can include you in the planning process. We have only one week left to make final arrangements.

 

 

20th Annual Crime Victims United Victims’ March on the Capitol

WHEN: Wednesday, April 29th, 10:00am (Program at 11:30am)

WHERE: State Capitol – West Lawn (at 10th St.)

*Carpool will leave Marin County at 8:00am – Call Steve at 415-261-4784 if you would like a ride, or for more details

This year, CJE will join Crime Victims United (CVU) for their 20th Annual Victims’ Rights Rally & March on the Capitol. This annual rally generally turns out hundreds to raise awareness and advocate for victims rights. This year, we are excited that CVU has invited CJE to share our highly acclaimed Family Court Crisis Photo Exhibit at the rally.

 

NEXT MONTH Joint Legislative Audit Committee Hearing

WHEN: Wednesday, May 27th 9:00am WHERE: State Capitol Building, Room 444

*Carpool will leave Marin County at 7:00am – Call Steve at 415-261-4784 if you would like a ride, or for more details

On May 27th the Joint Legislative Audit Committee (JLAC) will decide whether to move forward with a requested audit of the Marin & Sacramento family courts. Whether you live in one of these counties or not, we need your help showing the JLAC committee just how impotant this audit is!

Senator Mark Leno (D-Marin), needs our support when he makes this request to the committee. It’s time to mobilize in numbers. Let’s show a united front and move mountains on May 27th! Note: We do NOT expect the format of this hearing to allow for formal testimony, but we absolutely must to show the JLAC committee members that this audit has popular support by packing the room.

 

COMING IN JUNE Sunday, June 7th — Sonoma County Family Law Community Forum

Thursday, June 11th — Alameda County Family Law Hearing with Alameda County Supervisor Gail Steele L

 

Learn about these events and more at: www.centerforjudicialexcellence.org – and remember to check the site often for updates!

 

Together, we can rebuild public trust in our courts, reinforcing the the judiciary as a well-managed model of integrity, justice and equality.

 

How to Cope: Holidays without Your Child

 For parents and caregivers experiencing the loss of a child due to family court injustice, divorce, and other types of separation.

 

 

Know When to Ask for Help: Notice the signs of stress and seek help or support.

 

Common signs of stress may include- fear/anxiety, racing/repetitive thoughts, over eating, sleeping too little or too much, crying, and lack of energy (not wanting to do things you once enjoyed). It’s understandable that you would feel that way, especially if you have survived trauma, abuse, lengthy court proceedings and loss of a child/forcible separation. Be gentle with yourself. Make a plan to deal with stress, especially for times you may be triggered most like during holidays.

 

Get support for you: Visit/Call friends, Visit/Call Family, Go to a special place that is comforting to you (church, park, museum, coffee shop, etc), Go for a drive, Call a local crisis line, Exercise, Watch a movie, Read a book/journal

Don’t feel obligated to spend time with people who don’t support you. Avoid stressful situations or relationships with a polite refusal. Setting boundaries is important to maintaining your strength, and being able to focus on what is most important.

 

 

 

Make a Call: Call a support or crisis line if needed.

 

Here are some links to crisis numbers in the USA, most are toll free

Support4Hope Crisis Numbers- http://www.support4hope.com/crisisnumbers.htm

 

Suicide Hotlines: http://suicidehotlines.com/

 

4Therapy Hotline and Crisis Lines: http://www.4therapy.com/consumer/resources/item.php?categoryid=32&uniqueid=7006

 

Prayer Page Prayer Lines: http://www.prayerpage.org/1800/

 

The Encourage Prayer Line: http://www.encourager.us/prayer_request.htm

 

  Turn Up the Music: Music is a good way to boost your mood, and give yourself comforting or positive messages. Especially if you are dealing with trauma or painful memories, music may soothe or redirect your thoughts.

 

Take Things Slow: Don’t try to plan too much or take on too much. Give yourself time–sleep in, take a long bath, cry, make a phone call.  Adding too many activities or “should do’s” will provoke unneccesary stress, and may cause further harm. So be gentle with yourself <3

 

 It’s Okay to Plan a Holiday without Your Child: It’s okay to visit friends, family or go places even if your child is not with you. Those activities may be painful, and you may feel a loss—even though your child is not with you, they will be close in your love and care for them.

 You may want to commemorate your child by saying a prayer, looking at pictures, spending time with things that remind you of them, lighting a candle, or speaking with others who are close to your family. You are going through a grieving process, and its is understandable to want to remain close to your child, in any way you can.

 If your thoughts provoke anxiety, nightmares, inability to cope with every day life or you feel“stuck” or overhelmed, you may want to seek help from a counselor or support group.

 

 Send your child a card or letter: Be positive, and let your child know you care. You may want to include a “treat” such as stickers, coloring sheets/mazes/word finds (etc), cartoons/comics or photos.

 

 Call Your Child on the Phone/Send an E-mail: If you are not sure what to say, stay positive! You may want to read a short book, sing a favorite song or have some jokes on hand.

Keep the conversation light, and centered on the moment—ie: don’t get into the past or difficult things your family is experiencing.

 

 Some ideas for topics to talk about: Cartoons/Movies, School, Friends, Holiday Plans, Music, Funny Stories, Favorite Memories, Riddles/Jokes, Animals, Sports

 Let your child know you care, be sure to reinforce positive messages

 

My thoughts & prayers are with you — Evanlee, 2009

See Also:

Common Responses After Losing a Child

http://parentingabusedkids.wordpress.com/2008/11/07/common-responses-after-losing-a-child/

 

Writing a Fun, Meaningful Letter to Your Child

http://parentingabusedkids.wordpress.com/2009/03/11/letter2child/

 

Judicial Misconduct: Legalized Corruption

We should all pay attention…. I can honestly say there is nothing worse than having to deal with a judge that is biased, immoral, corrupt AND hurting your family. It’s hard to stay hopeful, at times I feel like there is nothing I can do…but then I think the least I can do is pray, and stay strong. –Evanlee

__________________

The Judicial Conference is Now in Session

And Why It Will Tolerate Again

The Systematic Dismissal of Complaints Against Judges

 

(http://Judicial- Discipline- Reform.org/ JNinfo/25Committ ee/JConf_ meeting..pdf)

 

by

Dr. Richard Cordero, Esq.

 

 

The Judicial Con ference of the U.S., the highest policy-making body of the federal judiciary, is meeting at the Supreme Court today, March 17, and may continue its session tomorrow. (Public Information Office: 202-479-3211, Clerk’s Office: 202-479-3011)

 

Separate meetings of the circuit judges, district judges, and the many specialized committees of the Judicial Conference are scheduled to be held at the Administrative Office of the U.S. Courts in Washington, D.C., between Monday, 16, and Wednesday 18. (202-502-2600) http://www.uscourts .gov/ Among those committees is the Committee on Judicial Conduct and Disability, which handles petitions for review concerning any complaint against a federal judge or magistrate for misconduct or disability.

 

All their meetings are secretive so as to protect judicial unaccountability. What would happen to democracy if the president and all members of Congress were appointed for life, remaining in office regardless of their misconduct or disability, and held all cabinet meetings and sessions behind closed doors followed by no press conference, but merely a short trivial and anodyne press release?

 

http://Judicial- Discipline- Reform.org/ docs/JConf_ press_release_ 16sep8.pdf  

 

Judicial unaccountability becomes apparent in the pending petition to that Committee concerning a judicial misconduct complaint.

http://Judicial- Discipline- Reform.org/ JNinfo/25Committ ee/2DrCordero- petition_ 25feb9.pdf

 

It contains the equivalent of a template that other complainants against judges that engage in misconduct or are disable can adapt to their own petition to the Committee once they have reached that stage in the series of procedural stages. That series is this:

 

1. You file your judicial complaint with the chief circuit judge of your circuit or the complained-against judge’s, as provided for in the Judicial Con duct and Disability Act. 28 U.S.C. §351(a).

 

(http://Judicial- Discipline- Reform.org/ docs/28usc351- 364.pdf)

 

You must also comply with the Rules for Judicial Conduct and Disability Proceedings.

(http://Judicial- Discipline- Reform.org/ docs/Rules_ complaints. pdf). See Rule 3(h).

 

2. The chief circuit judge systematically dismisses it, which in 99.86% of cases –see table and graphs at http://Judicial- Discipline- Reform.org- is without appointment of a special committee and thus, out of hand with no investigation.

 

3. You petition the respective circuit’s judicial council for review of the chief’s dismissal.

 

4. The judicial council systematically denies the petition, which the Judicial Council of the Second Circuit has done in 100% of cases in the past 11 years from 1oct96 to 30sep7 –see table with official statistics at the above-mentioned petition, page N:39 (after N:51-N:84)-. The chief circuit judge who dismissed the complaint in the first place is the council’s presiding member and is allowed to review on appeal his or her own dismissal. Cf. 28 U.S.C. §47

 

5a. You petition for review the Committee on Judicial Conduct and Disability, which is composed of judges, the peers of the complained-against judge. In the 29 years since the enactment of the Misconduct Act in 1980 it has issued only 19 decisions. By contrast, in the 2007-08 term alone, the Supreme Court issued 67 signed opinions and disposed of 72 cases.

 

http://Judicial- Discipline- Reform.org/ judicial_ complaints/ 1Comm_JCond_ de cisions. pdf

http://Judicial- Discipline- Reform.org/ judicial_ complaints/ 2Comm_JCond_ decisions. pdf

 

5b. You may simultaneously appeal to the 27-judge Judicial Conference itself –see the petition below-, which is composed of the Chief Justice, who is its presiding member, the 14 chief circuit and national court judges, and 12 representative district judges.

http://Judicial- Discipline- Reform.org/ JNinfo/25Committ ee/7DrCordero- JConference_ 28feb9.pdf

 

Thus, the chief circuit judge who dismissed your complaint in the first place is a member of the Conference too and is also allowed to exercise appellate review over his own appealed dismissal. What are the chances that he will not ask for, expect, and receive deference to his decision to dismiss, from his peers and issue IOUs redeemable when another peer’s dismissal is being challenged? Remember, their meetings are secretive.

 

From the first stage, that is, the complaint, the emphasis must be placed on setting forth the elements of the judge’s misconduct and/or disability and how either constitutes “conduct prejudicial to the effective and expeditious administration of the business of the courts”. See the petition, page N:1.

 

If the misconduct is related to the judge’s decision or ruling, then it must be “alleged to be the result of an improper motive, e.g., a bribe, ex parte contact, racial or ethnic bias, or improper conduct in rendering a decision or ruling, such as personally derogatory remarks irrelevant to the issues”. Rule 3(h)(3)(A)

 

In due course you reach the stage of petitioning the Committee. There the emphasis must be laid on arguing that the Committee has jurisdiction over the petition based both on the facts of the complaint and its compliance with Rule 21 and 22; and that it should exercise such jurisdiction because of the indisputable fact that by failing to do so it would tolerate its peers’ unlawful and corruptive self-exemption from discipline. The petition serves as a template for doing so.

 

By then you have spent a lot of money, effort, and time, and have endured or must continue to endure the consequences of the complained-against judge’s misconduct or disability; yet, his or her peers will systematically dismiss your complaint or deny your petition for review, for they must protect the status that they have arrogated to themselves: Judges Above the Law.

 

See http://Judicial- Discipline- Reform.org/ Follow_money/ Dynamics_ of_corruption. pdf

 

The chances that the judges will pay any attention to a complaint against a peer increase from 0% to 0.14% (less that 1 seventh of 1 percent) if you bring it to the attention of the media and the latter shames the judges into taking some action to give the appearance that they are able and willing to discipline themselves…at the risk of the complained-against judge yelling at them, “I know enough about your own wrongdoing. If you bring me down, I take you with me!”

See http://Judicial- Discipline- Reform.org/ docs/SCt_ knows_of_ dismissals. pdf

 

The cover letter with the petition to the Judicial Conference sent to U.S. Supreme Court Chief Justice John G. Roberts, Jr., as its presiding officer, asks whether he will countenance once more ‘the collegial complicity of judges covering their coordinated wrongdoing’. It requests that he cause the Conference to exercise jurisdiction over the petition and open an investigation of it when the Conference meets on Tuesday, March 17, at the Supreme Court. Could he too be brought down if he took on his peers by trying to discipline judges who misconduct themselves or are disable?

 

http://Judicial- Discipline- Reform.org/ JNinfo/25Committ ee/7DrCordero- JConference_ 28feb9.pdf

 

How would your bosses behave if they had no fear of being disciplined at all?

 

Dr.Richard.Cordero. Esq@Judicial- Discipline- Reform.org

http://Judicial- Discipline- Reform.org

 

 

 

 

__._,_.___

 

Family Law Reform Events and News from CPPA

Dear Friends, See below for eight items of interest!

 

1. The Fifteenth Annual Northern CA Child Sexual Abuse Awareness conference will be presented by CA Protective Parents Association and Incest Survivors Speakers’ Bureau on April 24 and 25, 2009.

Friday April 24, 2009 from 9:00 am to 5:00 pm at Sierra Health Foundation,201321 Garden Highway, Sacramento CA.

Transforming Treatment: Symptoms, Substances & Axis IV ($75 to CPPA, POB 1903, Davis CA 95617)

Steve Mayberg MD, Director of the CA Department of Mental Health, and CA Michael Cunningham, Chief Deputy Director of the Department of Alcohol and Drug Programs, will join Ann Jennings Ph.D., Susan Curry MFT and Randy Noblitt Ph.D. in presentations on effective treatment for people with co-occurring mental health and substance abuse symptoms that lead to wellness, recovery and cost savings.

Saturday April 25, 2009 from 9:30 am – 5:00 pm at the Veterans’ Memorial Center,203 East 14^th Street, Davis, CA.

Ritual Abuse in the 21^st Century (No cost, no registration)

Ritual Abuse in the 21^st Century, edited by clinical psychologist Randy Noblitt Ph.D. and Pamela Perskin Noblitt, is a

sweeping overview of the subject of ritual abuse by an international, multi-disciplinary team of writers, researchers,

 therapists and survivors. Dr. Noblitt will discuss the evidence of ritual abuse, international research data from over

1,500 survivors, efforts to discredit allegations made by survivors, and the psychological, behavioral and physical

devastation left by such abuse. He will be joined by Jeanne Adams, author of Drawn Swords, Ann Davis, author of Hell

Minus 1, and survivors of ritual abuse who will focus their discussion on pathways to wellness and recovery.

 CEs will be available for both days. Please contact us at cppa001@aol.com or 916-233-8381 for more information

2. Institute on Violence, Abuse and Trauma Conference will present their San Diego conference on September 21 – 26, 2009 Promoting Peace in the Home, Your Community and the World: Linking Practice, Research, and Policy Across20the Lifespan. Please contact IVAT at 858-527-1860 ext. 4030 or ivatconf@alliant.edu for more information.

 

3. Mothers who were jailed or imprisoned for attempting to protect their children from physical or sexual abuse in custody and visitation disputes: please contact Jonea at 707-364-5069 or seashellmound@yahoo.com She wants to work on a book about those egregious experiences.

4. Mothers in CA Bay Area: There is a group for mothers involved in custody disputes in Pleasant Hill, CA on Mondays 11-12:30. It costs $25. Contact Allison at 510 587-3231 for more information.

5. Family Law Judge Peter McBrien’s hearing is rescheduled to begin Wednesday April 1, 2009 at 9:00 am in the temporary courtroom of the Third District Court of Appeal at 621 Capitol Mall, 10^th Floor in Sacramento, CA. The hearing will be open to the public. Please check http://cjp.ca.gov to make sure it is not rescheduled again.

 

6. The Joint Legislative Audit request to audit 2 CA family courts has again been bumped. It is scheduled for March 11 at the Capit ol, 10^th and L Streets, Sacramento. Check with us for time and place.

 

7. A hearing on Family Law problems may be held in Sacramento in late March or April, 2009. We’ll keep you posted.

 

8. Elkins Family Law Task Force is still asking for ideas for improvements in family court. You can submit your ideas to elkinstaskforce@jud.ca.gov.

 

 

Writing a Fun, Meaningful Letter to Your Child

Separation from your child is painful–whatever the situation.  Writing letters  to your child is a creative way to maintain your relationship and stay involved in your child’s life.

You may have to request that you be allowed to send letters to your children through the court, and it is important to follow all the rules or expectations placed on you.  If you are involved with family court, CPS, or are receiving assistance through a social service agency, I would advise you to keep copies of all correspondance sent to your child. I am not qualified to offer legal advice, for those kinds of questions or concerns, it would be best to seek additional help or counsel.

I began writing letters to my children after being unfairly labeled with “Parental Alienation Syndrome” (PAS).  The label was given to me by my abuser and a biased guardian ad litem–no doctor, psychologist or other professional has ever found my behavior or conduct to have harmed my children. I was even examined by a court appointed psychologist, who in her extensive testing, found no evidence of PAS. She did, however, find that I am fearful and anxious due to years of abuse at the hands of my ex husband. After fleeing my home, my ex husband began to harass me, and told me that if I didn’t do what he wanted that he would make up stories and take the children from me. I didn’t believe such a thing was possible–and not in America. How wrong I was! My husband and his vindictive parents waged a lengthy, and expensive legal battle against me resulting in a ruling where I lost all legal rights to my children–who I believe are not safe with their father. The reason why I lost my children is that I was told that it is wrong for me to be afraid of my abuser, and that my fear and anxiety is “alienating” the children from their father. Not only did I loose all legal rights but my contact with my children is severly limited. Family court has made efforts to “reprogram” me through parenting classes where abused women are forced to co-parent with their abusers for “the best interests of the children”. I have been ordered into therapy–not to deal with the effects of domestic abuse but to work through some unknown mental illness that has suddenly appeared at the onset of custody litigation. When I began to voice concerns in therapy about past abuse and the behavior of court personnel, I was told that I need more therapy–to date, I have undergone almost 2 years of therapy and several parenting classes (over a year’s worth), and still fail to satisfy the court’s requirements. My abuser was never ordered into therapy,  though he has an extensive criminal history and was found by the court psychologist to be suffering from personality disorder.

My abuser now has complete control over when or if I see my children, if we have any verbal exchange–and continues to harass me exerting his court appointed power over me.  I get phone calls from the children, only when he allows–and often the phone calls occur at unexpected or odd hours. I carry my cell phone close to me at all times, afraid I might miss that one time my children are allowed to call. I can only see my children in a supervised setting, or at times when my abuser allows me more time–again subject to his whims, and conveinance (ie if supervised visitation is not occuring at a time he likes, he will invite me to an event outside of the visitation). My abuser is also using my children to send messages to me–my children told me that “Daddy is praying for you.” I told my children “That’s nice, it’s good to pray.” My children said to me, “No Mommy, Daddy is praying for you at church that you get back together.” It’s a nightmare–and I do what I can to maintain my connection to the children, and to try to preserve their innocence as much as possible.

What I can do is write letters. I send my letters once a week, and do my best to let my children know I love them–and to give them a semblance of stability despite all the chaos in our lives.

Here are some ideas on how to create fun, meaningful letters to your child:

The letter you write is like a photograph–it will capture a moment in time, an image or an expression that is passed on to your child. Your letter is a gift. The quality of the letter is more important than the “quantity”; becareful on how you convey your message, avoid sending money and gifts (outside of a holiday, birthday or special event) as this creates as expectation that you may not be able to support long term. The most important part of your letter is the meaning you convey–and how the letter nurtures your relationship to your child.

* Write your letter when you are calm, upbeat and feeling good. The letter should convey your love and care for your child–and should be age appropriate.

 Do not send a letter to your child that reflects agitation, fear, anger or other negative emotions.  Similarily, do not include in your letters negative comments, remarks or sarcasm about the child’s guardian/parent or living situation. If you find that writing letters is triggering strong emotions, seek support or help. Those emotions are understandable, but should not be passed onto a child.

* Create a positive environment for writing your letter–turn on your favorite music, light a candle, take time to connect with pictures or objects (toys, books, things they made, etc) that remind you of your child, pray, take a walk, etc. It may be hard, especially at first, to write. You may be struggling with emotions or on the verge of tears (I have been there myself!). By creating a positive environment, you are putting aside those emotions and/or stressors so you can focus on your child, and convey a message that is both meaningful and supportive.

* Send the letters consistently (ie on holidays, weekly, monthly, etc). You may also consider using stamps that are cute or fun, or using decorative envelopes.

* Consider poetry! Poetry is a fun, and expressive way of communicating to your child. You may want to send a humorous, or age appropriate poem for your child. Nursery rhymes are also great.

Try an acrostic poem: write your child’s name on a piece of paper, and for each letter of the name write something descriptive, funny or memorable about your child.

This link creates a “Name Poem” for your child. It’s really cool, and a great way to let your child know you care. When you visit the link, you answer a few questions and type it  into a blank field. When you are all done, you click a button to generate your poem then print:

http://ettcweb.lr.k12.nj.us/forms/_vti_bin/shtml.dll/namepoem.htm

Online Poetry for Children (Various Subjects):

 http://www.poetry-online.org/childrens_poetry_resource_index.htm

* Send cartoons, comic strips or newspaper articles. Find subjects your child may be interested in and clip articles. Or clip articles that talk about places you have visited. Thrift stores and garage sales are a great place to find articles or magazines for children.

* Send pictures. The pictures could include you, your children, your friends, your family members, or things your children are interested in (animals, places, celebrities, etc).

* Create a letter with pictures. This works well if your child is young and does not read very well. Draw pictures on the letter to tell a story, or clip pictures from magazines.

* Give your child positive affirmations. It is so important to let your child know that you love them, and that you care.  Affirmations boost self esteem, make you feel better and provide hope. You may also include prayers, Scriptures or other messages that are a part of your family, traditions or spiritual beliefs. For example, fortune cookies are a form of affirmations.

“The Children Lights” site gives information on how affirmations work, why they are importnat to a child’s development and includes tips on how to create affirmations: Affirmations are positive statements about who we are, and what we can become and experience…The key in using affirmations effectively is to have them evoke positive emotions within us.”

http://www.childrenlights.com/Articles/article_empowering_children_affirmations.htm

* Send postcards from new or unusual places.

* Send jokes, riddles or “Mad Libs”.  

Aha Jokes is a great site to get jokes for kids on a variety of topics: http://www.ahajokes.com/animal_jokes_for_kids.html

* Send Autographs. Send your child autographs from friends, family, pets (include pictures of animals or paw prints) or if you are lucky–from a celebrity. You may consider including letters from others within your own letter.

Any More Ideas??? Post them Below!

Evanlee

 

Breaking Up With My Past

“My life is such a mess!” is a small but insistent voice that echoes through the buzzing cell phone, the circle of girls I dance with and the maze of parties I frequent.

 

I fled an abusive marriage, one that consumed most of my young life, and after relocating several times (so he could not find me), I was free. After years of hiding in my home, wearing baggy clothes so he would not notice me, I could dress any way I wanted! Cute capris. Exotic perfumes. Sexy heels. After having lost most of my friends, due to his rages, I was meeting new friends—and flirting like crazy. I didn’t have to account for every penny spent. Or fear he would track the credit card online and demand why I “spent too !@% much”. I was no longer called names and then forced to show “appreciation”. For the first time, I was popular. Well-liked. Pretty. Funny. All of a sudden, my phone was ringing off the hook. I partied nearly every night. I learned to dance, and liked it so much that I no longer walked; I sashayed.

 

My fun new life came to a screeching halt when I almost cheated on my boyfriend. The boyfriend I begged God to bring into my life. The boyfriend that was so adorable—and so gentle with me. I was proud of how hard he works, balancing college and a full-time job. He listens to my sad stories, and encourages me along the way. The boyfriend that I love—or at least I thought I did. So what was I doing with my arms wrapped around another guy in the dark corner of a club? I never wanted this to happen. I only wanted to have fun, to be independent… I was horrified by what almost happened… Not only had I hurt my boyfriend, but I also cheated on God. I threw away the blessing He gave me. Why?

 

      The first sign of trouble was the anxiety attacks, especially at night. My sleep is interrupted by intense nightmares. Despite how outgoing I am, I don’t like people touching me, and startle when others get close. Then I began binge eating when upset and starving myself out of guilt. My weight fluctuates to extremes. I can’t stand to be alone, vulnerable to the memories. So I made as many friends as possible. Laughed away the tears and the pain. And pushed away the only person who saw the truth about me—scared, miserable and underneath my popularity, a complete mess.

 

  I ran from the club that night, and spent the next week hiding from my boyfriend.

 

I wasn’t aware of what my behavior had done to him until I nearly hit rock bottom. The look of hurt and anger in my boyfriend’s eyes led me to seek answers. I couldn’t apologize enough. I had to know “Why?” All the things I was struggling against—fear, eating extremes, bar hopping and denial—had almost destroyed our relationship. I was seeking more than friends, fun and attention—I was seeking a way out of my own pain. A way out of the fear scarred into me. When I talked to my boyfriend about what happened, I gained some perspective. In a strange way, we had grown closer; though it will take some time for him to trust me again.

 

This is what I learned:

 

• The most important relationship you can have is between you and God. By loving God first, you learn how to love others.

• Don’t rush into a relationship, especially have been through abuse or trauma. Sadly, many abuse victims find themselve entering into other abusive relationships–continuing the cycle of violence (or becoming perpetrators themselves). Take time to heal and address those traumas. Take time to establish your identity, your life. Take time to identify what needs to be changed, and seek help or support to make those changes. To have a good relationship with others, first you must have love, acceptance and be at a good place within your own self.

• If you have trouble loving your own self—you won’t have much to give another person. Pay attention to what your thoughts and feelings say. Actions result from thoughts and feelings. If you don’t like what you see, or are struggling against stuck emotions (such as fear, hurt, anger, sadness, etc.) seek help or support. Things get better when you are willing to work towards change.

• Each day take a moment to be alone with yourself. Check in with your thoughts and feelings—and where they lead you.

• You cannot rely on another person—or on an attachment (food, drinking, popularity, etc) to give you love, happiness or security. Those qualities result from developing a relationship with God, from developing a positive and healthy lifestyle.

• Be honest with yourself and others. Examine your own choices and intentions. Be willing to admit mistakes. And willing to forgive yourself and others.

• Be a trendsetter. Take a stand for your life and what you believe in. Or, alternatively, take time to discover what you stand for; what is most important in your life.

 

 

I still have a lot of work to do to heal from my past, and to mend my relationship. However, after having taken the first steps, I can honestly say the road ahead of me is brighter than the one behind me.

---

Evanlee J Perth, ⓒ 2009

“In addition to the acceptance of your potential mate, you must also accept yourself and overcome your own past…” — Gary Chapman

 

This is Really Hard to Believe (Repost, Jennifer Collins)

THIS IS REALLY HARD TO BELIEVE

by barry nolan

january 11 2009

 

This is really hard to believe. I am sitting in a room filled with women who were beaten, and violated in terrible ways. The room is not in Bosnia, or some far flung third-world hell-hole. I am in a function room in a hotel in Albany at the Battered Mothers Custody Conference.

 

Many of the women around me are sobbing now, as a child tells her story. “My father beat me” she begins. Well, she is not a child now actually, but she is a child to me. She is a poised, attractive young woman named Jennifer Collins who is a survivor of child abuse and of a Child and Family Court System that betrayed her and her brother, just as it betrays children across this country every day when it orders children to live full time with an abusive parent.

I know you do not believe me. And that makes me realize that this is the experience that these women who surround me have all had. No one believes them. No one believes this can happen. But it does. Sometimes this happens despite voluminous evidence, eyewitnesses and medical records that the child has been beaten, even raped and sodomized by a parent seeking custody. Sometimes the courts do this even if the parent seeking custody has been convicted of, or admitted to domestic violence or sexual assault.  I know you don’t believe me. But you would believe Jennifer if you were here.

 

It is a strange world in Child and Family court. For instance, even as much energy in the wider world goes into efforts to make certain that sex offenders have no access to children, that they can’t live near a school and walk near a playground, in this odd little corner of our judicial system, courts routinely order children to “reunite” with a sexual predator parent who hurt them. All in the name of “family re-unification”.

I know this sounds impossible. It is against all common sense. This is America after all. But come sit here with me, and listen to this woman/child tell her story. She has “aged out” of the system and is no longer under the thumb of a court that tells her she must be silent.  There is a whole group of courageous kids like Jennifer who are old enough now to tell their story to you, face to face. Jennifer’s story is a pip. And it is pretty typical.

Jennifer tells us about her mother Heidi and her dad. He was a batterer who beat Heidi. And he beat the children. Jennifer moves her story along quickly to the day when her older brother, then about 6, tried to intervene as dad was beating mom. Dad threw the son against the wall and fractured his skull. There is much more. But I will move the story along quickly to what happens when Heidi finally decided to leave this man who beat her and the children.  She fled that terrible house, only to find herself in house of mirrors. The Child and Family Court system.

It is almost as if none of the people who run the Child and Family Court system ever read about or learned a single thing from sad saga of the Catholic Church’s sexual abuse scandal. It’s like they never heard about how victims of physical or sexual abuse are often silenced by their own sense of shame. How their terrible stories can sometimes finally come pouring out in torrents. It may be years later, but it is no less true.  This is not theory. This is fact. We have all watched these sad dramas on the 6 O’clock news.

But, uniquely in Child and Family Court, if allegations of physical or sexual abuse are raised during a divorce where custody is an issue, the allegations are used, not against the perpetrator, but against the victim. There is this invented thing, a bit of junk science called “Parental Alienation Syndrome”. It basically says that any time a woman raises the issue of physical or sexual abuse, of herself or the children in the midst of a custody dispute, she is just trying to make the man look bad and make the children hate him. She must be lying.

 

Look, I am not a fool. I know people lie. I know some women lie. I know people say awful things about each other in divorces. I have watched Jerry Springer just like you. But I have also watched “To Catch a Predator” and I know “respectable” people can do horrible things.   So, do a thought experiment here. Pretend you are a woman who had finally left an abusive relationship, taking your children with you. If your controlling soon-to-be ex-husband sought to get full custody of the children as one last slap at you, what would you say? OK? Sure, that sounds fair? Fat chance.

 

The thing a real court would do when this happened is to consider all the evidence, and talk to all the witnesses. Witnesses like the children. They were after all, there when “it” happened. This is what a court would do if a stranger were accused of beating them. Or raping them. But this is not what the Child and Family Court system does.

Jennifer, the survivor, tells us of the day the representative of the court came to take her away from her mother and take her to live at her dad’s. How she clung desperately to her mother’s leg, until they pried her fingers loose, lifted her up, carried her away, and compelled her to live with the man who would beat her. Jennifer tells us how her mother, desperate beyond all measure, kidnapped the children, spirited them away to the Netherlands, where they became the first Americans to be granted asylum. How she lived in a refugee camp, with refugess from Somalia and Sierra Leone, people who had to learn how to use toilets and forks. How this was better than “home”. This was a step up. She was with her mom.

Jennifer lived in exile for 14 years. She finally “aged out”. The court has no jurisdiction now. And so Jennifer had the freedom to come home, to America, to this room where I sit, surrounded by women who are now weeping with joy and cheering for Jennifer’s mom for being so brave and for Jennifer for telling her story to this room full of people who know her story is true. Because the same thing happened to them. So they believe her.

I believe her, too.

 

For More on the Collins Family, “American Family Recieves Asylum in Europe” :  http://americanchildrenunderground.blogspot.com/

 

Jennifer- You are in my thoughts and prayers. I am so sorry for all you and your family has been through. 

 

The Strongest Souls: Quote by Kahlil Gibran

Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars. — Kahlil Gibran