“When she finally left him and tried to take her girls with her, she encountered a new monster — family court..”
Title: Custody Crisis: Why Moms Are Punished in Court
Date: Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Written for Mom Logic, posted on United Angels Against Domestic Violence, UAADV, News Blog at: http://uaadvnewsblog.blogspot.com/2010/01/national-child-custody-crisis-why-are.html
My Thoughts: I highly recommend this article. It is very informative and gives voice to so many mothers who are victimized then forced into silence. For those just learning about Family Court Abuse, this article is very insightful and offers both sides of the argument while remaining focused on advocating for vulnerable children.
Summary :
“..fathers are more likely than mothers to intentionally lie (21 percent, compared to 1.3 percent). In fact, abusive parents are more likely to seek sole custody than nonviolent ones, and are successful about 70 percent of the time.”
This article includes several true-life horror stories from Family Court and includes insights into why Family Court so often fails to protect victims of domestic violence and their children. It also touches on the highly controversial “Parental Alienation Syndrome” or PAS.
Some of the Stories:
When Gina Kaysen Fernandes gains the strength to leave her abusive husband, and seek help for her two daughters, both victims of sexual abuse, she encounters a new form of abuse in family court. Gina bravely fights to keep her children safe only to loose custody.
Linda Marie Sacks, another mother, shares a similar story. She says the judge “legally kidnapped my daughters”. After 11 years of marriage, Linda Marie files for divorce with concerns that her husband had been molesting her two daughters–who were sexually acting out and one, reportedly drew a picture in therapy “that depicted her father as an erect penis on legs”. Not only did Linda Marie loose her legal rights to her children but she was forced into supervised visitation after being falsely accused of Parental Alienation Syndrome, “Linda Marie has only seen her children during supervised visits for a total of 54 hours over the past two and a half years.” Linda Marie Sacks will never stop fighting for her children.
Another mother, Lorraine Tipton of Oconto Falls, WI, was jailed for 30 days after she refused to force her daughter to visit every other week with her allegedly abusive ex-husband. The Court found no concerns with the father despite his arrest record “Her ex, Craig Hensberger, was arrested three times for domestic violence and once for child abuse. His criminal record also includes two DUI arrests, one of which happened while driving with his daughter.” Hensberger admitted in Court that he is still drinking, and the daughter has also reported that she has seen her father drunk on numerous occasions.
Joyce Murphy, of San Diego, took off with her daughter after the Court granted custody to her allegedly abusive ex husband. The father, Henry Parson, was accused of child molestation. He countered the allegations by accusing Joyce of Parental Alienation, and won custody. Six years later, Parson was caught in the act of child rape, “pleaded guilty to six counts of child abuse, which included oral sex with a child, molestation, possessing child porn, and using a child to make porn.” It is sickening to think Parson only got 6 years in prison while the children involved will suffer for a lifetime! Joyce Murphy was able to win full, permanent custody of her daughter after the conviction. It is unclear if any member of Family Court was investigated or penalized for their role in returning a child to an abusive home.
These stories are unbelievable but true–and are just the tip of the iceburg. Family Court does not conduct criminal investigations when allegations of abuse arise–even when children are involved, instead they rely on their own court-appointed experts (guardian ad litem, psychologist, evaluators, mediators, etc) for counsel and direction. These court-appointed experts usually do not have the training to deal with abuse allegations, and without a jury or other form of representation, most mothers are at the mercy of these experts–who hold the esteem of judges and have nearly invincible power. Most women cannot afford an attorney and will end up bankrupt after lengthy legal proceedings, or will attempt to represent herself.
At the same time, most women don’t want to go to criminal court or don’t have a strong enough case for criminal charges. And Child Protective Services will usually shy away from investigating custody cases or refer to the findings of the court experts already appointed.
Another weapon used against mothers is Parental Alienation Syndrome or PAS, “There’s no doubt fathers play a critical role in a child’s life, and in most cases, are equally loving and capable parents who deserve custody. However, studies find when a wife accuses her husband of abuse, more than half the time, she faces a counter-accusation of “parental alienation syndrome,” or PAS. ” PAS is not a certified medical condition–it seemingly only afflicts women at the onset of divorce (not at any other time in life) and has no recognized cure or course of treatment. PAS has on main symptom–a mother becomes so angry at her ex that she will make up stories of abuse in order to denigrate him, and turn the children against him, which is “alienation”. PAS means the very act of divorce creates cause for suspicion of “alienation“. This article does balance the debate and includes opinions by Dean Tong, author and forensic consultant, who supports PAS.
When you are finished reading, go check out the UAADV link to your state!
Sending my support and encouragement to UAADV and to all mothers fighting to protect their children, Evanlee
December 23, 2009
Review: Tell Your Child the Truth
Posted by evanlee21 under Child Abuse, Emotional Abuse, Parental Alienation Syndrome | Tags: abuse, children, Commentary, custody, Cycle of Violence, divorce, domestic abuse, Emotional Abuse, family court, parenting, parenting abused kids, relationships, Reviw, safety planning, sam vaknin, trauma |Leave a Comment
Article: Tell Your Children the Truth
Author: Dr. Sam Vaknin
Source: Online, http://samvak.tripod.com/abuse13.html (Retrieved 12/22/2009)
Summary: Should you tell your child about domestic abuse that occurred in your family or just move on with your life? What are the repercussions for not talking to your child about domestic abuse that occurred in the home?
“Most victims attempt to present to their children a “balanced” picture of the relationship and of the abusive spouse. In a vain attempt to avoid the notorious (and controversial) Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS), they do not besmirch the abusive parent and, on the contrary, encourage the semblance of a normal, functional, liaison. This is the wrong approach. Not only is it counterproductive – it sometimes proves outright dangerous…” — Dr. Vaknin
According to Dr. Vaknin, children have a right to know the truth about abuse in the family, and to know the relationship between the parents is over. Children will tend to blame themselves for the break-up of their parents. Dicussing the issues honestly, and in a straight forward manner will not only relieve some of the child’s guilt and anxiety but also help in the healing process.
Dr. Vaknin warns that when talking to children, avoid blame or bad mouthing the other parent. It is important that the parent teach the child appropriate behaviors, and how to develop healthy boundaries. The best example is the one a parents models for a child. Dr. Vaknin recommends explaining what abuse is and that abusive or hurtful behavior is not okay. “Teach your children to avoid your paranoid ex and to report to you immediately any contact he has made with them. Abusive bullies often strike where it hurts most – at one’s kids. Explain the danger without being unduly alarming. Make a distinction between adults they can trust – and your abusive former spouse, whom they should avoid.” He goes on to elaborate that children should be taught to identify warning signs of abuse, and how to be assertive so they can vocalize their needs, and get help if necessary.
Dr. Vaknin also discusses the abuser’s personality and their parenting style (ie: treating the child as an object, incest, and different types of conflict). He offers a lot of experience and insight on this topic, which is not comforting but may answer some questions for the victim, and will educate others on abuse. This site also offers alot of articles and information.
Finally. Dr. Vaknin offers some advise for victims to survive their abuser and ongoing methods of abuse and/or intimidation (http://samvak.tripod.com/abuse15.html). His advise is to ignore the abuser but also to follow the guidelines set by the court, if there is any court involvement.
“Do NOT contravene the decisions of the system. Work from the inside to change judgments, evaluations, or rulings – but NEVER rebel against them or ignore them. You will only turn the system against you and your interests..” There is about 15-20 suggestions which may be helpful, including not to react blindly when triggered by your abuser–think things through before acting. You may be walking into a trap, by which your abuser will manipulate, humiliate or further undermine you by causing you to react out of emotion.
I really like what Dr. Vaknin has to offer, he is very thorough and clearly is very experienced. The article is a bit lengthy, and tend to drift away from the initial subject. But it is worth a look, and has a lot to offer.
ON A PERSONAL NOTE….
What really hit home about Tell Your Children the Truth is that Family Court personnel advised just the opposite–I was told not to talk about abuse, I was told I could not “prove” it happened and I was criticized for efforts to seek help for myself.
I can understand if court personnel needed to weigh the issues, and at times they, for whatever reason, chose to side with my abuser…the problem is family court ignored glaring evidence of ongoing abuse towards my children, and held my abuser to a very different standard than what was expected of me. My abuser has a history of violence, including getting into a bar fight which resulted in him being stabbed. He was also diagnosed with personality disorder, and his statements were found to be unreliable. Yet, under the guise of “the best interests of the child” I was told to lie about abuse in my family , and basically smile and act like everything is fine.
Dr. Vankin is right when he says this is dangerous for the children. I have seen my children suffer tremendously and my son is now becoming abusive towards his sister and I. To lie is to enable the abuser–it does not resolve problems, and encourages further violence.
On so many levels, Dr. Vaknin described my abuser exactly. It was as if Dr. Vaknin knew my abuser better than I do! My abuser has a history of having relations with vulnerable young girls barely out of their teenage years, including a female cousin… “Minors pose little danger of criticizing the abuser or confronting him….The narcissistic parent derives gratification from having incestuous relations with adulating, physically and mentally inferior, inexperienced and dependent “bodies”….” And when the abuser perceives the victim as a threat, “He wants to get away, to abandon his commitments to people who have become totally useless (or even damaging) to him. He does not understand why he has to support them, or to suffer their company and he believes himself to have been deliberately and ruthlessly trapped...” The abuser then may escalate the violence, he may also become paranoid and begins to push his family away (and will justify this by taking the victim role).
It does not make me feel better to read articles like this. Often I will become more fearful for my children. What does help is having the information, and knowing that I am not crazy or making this up…my concerns are valid. And sometimes that bit of information will give the strength needed to keep fighting for justice, and to keep fighting for my children.
E.J. Perth, 2009
Thank-You, Dr, Vaknin for posting your articles online, and offering your advise and thoughts to us all!
An Angel for all the little ones…